Working Toward Self-Annihilation
Entry 02
9/18/2026
I think I may be creating Batu in order to kill me. It’s cliche to say that my books are my children, but it’s true. And I get the feeling they are not just here to extend my existence by being immortalized through literature, but rather just the opposite – they’re going to supplant me. Wipe my life from existence so completely that it will be as if I never existed.
God, I hope so.
Nothing would make me happier if my work completely eclipses its creator. I could die happy if I believed that. And when I look at my illustrations; when I read some of what I’ve written, but especially when I look ahead to what I have yet to write – I believe.
The work has a certain flavor of life to it that feels as if it were here long before I came along. The Song of Alodia, Jumara, Tapu, Mogai and Alena – all of them are somehow bigger than me. They have weight of archetypes because they were built from archetypes. But they have been redressed and renamed, developing their own traits to the extent that they are perfecting their own archetype bit by bit.
I need to be careful here though, because to boast about one’s children is a thinly veiled boast of oneself. I’m the first to point out my sources though. Nothing comes from nothing. I rearrange what I find in research until it takes on a new shape that appeals to me, which is just a matter of taste. Maybe nobody else will share it. But for myself, and speaking with a father’s pride, sometimes it takes my breath away.
As much as I hate what my life has turned into these past 5-6 years, and however much I may wish to no longer be in this world, to that same extent my work is becoming more wonderful to me.
So, can Batu make up for the failings of my life? Can the work of Mr. Sumner replace me with such power and beauty that I might leave in peace? God, I hope so. For what else am I doing this?
Present-Day Reflection
5/26/2026
Oh my. The young man writing this entry really is full of himself and his work. Good for him. He’s going to need all the self-assurance he can muster to get through the next 14 years.
In terms of his desire to have himself supplanted by his “children”, I suppose we’re still of the same mind about that. Though I’m in a much better world than I was back then, and my life on the whole these days feels pretty darn good. It’s a lot harder than I ever thought it would be, every detail of every day seeming to challenge me with problem after problem. It exhausts me at times, but the rewards continue to make it all worth while.
Like I said, I’m in a better place now. And yes, the work still takes my breath away.
