48: The Lessons of Patience

2/28/2013

Well, I wrote an additional 571 words to the first scene of The Wounded, and it took me five hours and it’s still not finished. But it’s late and I don’t feel like pushing it out.

The quality is okay, but nothing that’s jumping out at me. When I’m just dressing up what I’ve already played out in my head so many times and nothing new crops up, the work isn’t very inspiring. Not yet anyway.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/12/2026

The lessons of patience concerning all things external to myself were learned a long time ago, but it’s only more recently I’ve come to understand the need for patience with myself as well. It’s primarily through writing that this has come to light for me – the benefits that arise from allowing things to percolate within me. Waiting for things to come to a boil before tapping into them. Keeping ideas in the oven of creativity and not removing them until they’ve been cooked to maturity.

This does apply to other parts of my internal emotional world beyond writing, but I’ve found it much easier to practice with my writing. And it’s only through experience that I’ve gotten any better at knowing when the time is right. Though often as not I still have to simply dip a toe in the water to see if the temperature is okay or not.

The metaphors abound with this idea, apparently.

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47: Tired, but Undaunted

2/27/2013

I finished “The Song of Alodia” poster. I’m really glad I’m finally done with that. I hate having all these lingering projects laying around unfinished. So, I also spent a couple days last week finishing the detailing of the Vodun symbology – all 40 gods.

Then there’s my 40 Kanar glyph breakdowns, of which I still only have 21 done. And they’re each a full page a piece. It’s been ten months since I focused on them. They involve a lot of organizing, creativity, and analyzing options. Takes time, and it’s not fun. But the payoff is nice.

I did good work today, keeping on task all day. And at a good pace with quality as well. I got more done in one day than I have in a while. I rewrote TheSong of Alodia again, and when I saw the finish line, I summoned my strength and sprinted with all I had for the final stretch. It’s a lot more fun doing that than just plodding along like I usually do. But my projects are often so large that their magnitude is daunting and inhibits my drive. It’s rare that I get close enough to see a finish line like I did today.

As for the first scene of The Wounded, I haven’t gotten any further than the same four paragraphs. It’s mostly creative work – it’s a dream sequence, after all – so, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to finish it tomorrow.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/11/2026

It’s been a while since I felt truly daunted by the work that lies before me. I often get a sense of being overloaded, and I sit down to it with a world-weary obligation rather than the energy of creative inspiration. But these days it’s mostly a game of collating, uploading to this website, and formatting.

It’s not daunting. I don’t avoid it for days, weeks, months, or years. I stay on task, and if I miss a deadline, it’s only just barely. But then, I have a lot of help thanks to the computer and modern technology. Things I didn’t have 16 years ago.

I’m also driven to a degree I never have been before, and though I have my theories as to why, I’m not entirely convinced by them. Whatever the reason, I’m glad of it. Idleness saps the vigor of the soul, and despite being tired most of the time, I definitely feel invigorated by the work I’m getting done.

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46: A Balance with Altruism

2/19/2013

I am disturbed. Many things are disturbing me these days. Personal things, interpersonal things, my failure to meet my Batu deadlines. And now this…

Somebody who knew vaguely about my Batu writing suggested I read “People of the wolf” by Michael and Kathleen O’Neal Gear. Historical fiction about the first people crossing the land bridge between Asia and the Americas. I didn’t want to read this for the same reason I don’t want to read “Clan of the Cave Bear,” by Jean Auel. It’s not African for one thing, but I also assumed it would be overly focused on anthropology instead of literary value or characterization. And I don’t do research via fiction where I can never know what information is based on fact and what is just being made up.

But now I can add a new, and more compelling reason to avoid reading such books. They steal my ideas! I don’t mean plagiarism obviously, since they wrote theirs long before I even thought about writing mine. I mean that they steal my ideas by making me unable to use the creative inspiration that comes to me because I know it’s already been done. I don’t want to know what’s been done, so I can be uninhibited and free to tell my story any way I want without concerns of copying other writers.

All I read of “People of the Wolf” was the six-page prologue. It began with a vision quest aided by a psychotropic. It had a sex scene that was the conception of the protagonist (presumably), whose mother died giving birth to him. The birth was shrouded in portents, signifying this was a child of great destiny. And the number four was utilized ritually and repeatedly.

Sound familiar?

There were significant differences from my prologue though. In “People of the Wolf” the vision encompassed the entire prologue, the mother was raped, she gave birth to twins, and the entire tone was darker than mine in terms of violence and mood. But our basic motifs are identical.

If I had read this book prior to formulating my story, I wouldn’t have utilized these motifs to preserve my originality. And by not using them my whole story would have been altered. As it is, I won’t change a thing, but I’m disturbed.

I still have a lot of creating to do, and I want no creative inhibitions, so I won’t be reading any books like these until all four of my books are finished in their first draft form. Once my story is fixed in stone and the writing threads are all sewn together, then I can read books like these. But for now, though I want help with cultural and geographical details, tools and historical technology, etc., I don’t want any creative help with story ideas and plotting.

All the books I read on how to write fiction tell me I’m wrong in this regard. They preach that I should read everything I can get my hands on in the genre I am writing in, so that I know what’s been done and what that genre’s standards are. And that makes sense from a commercial point of view. There’s no money in reinventing the wheel. But from my point of view as an artist, I don’t give a damn. If it’s original to me and I love it, that’s all that matters at this point. If it turns out in the end to be a lot like a thousand others already published… oh well.

But I can’t be true to me and the story inside me if I’m second guessing as to whether my ideas are mine or not. My creative freedom is far more important than the benefits of thoroughly knowing the other works of my genre. A strategy of ignorance, in the hopes it will protect me.

The fiction I’m drawn to these days inspire me, but they don’t hand me ideas. I read to study and appreciate the craft of language usage, so I tend to lean toward literary fiction. I look for good stories and characters, then look at how it was achieved.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/10/2026

There’s a good deal of selfishness in my strategy of ignorance. It’s completely discarding the needs of other readers as I focus entirely on me and my own needs. This flies in the face of my claims of being motivated by a desire to give something back to the world after a lifetime of being a parasite on society.

I’ve been telling myself, and anyone who will listen, that I want a legacy of giving back after a lifetime of taking – decades of consuming and indulging in the fruits of my culture without contributing to it in any meaningful way. My Batu saga is supposed to be an attempt at correcting this imbalance. At least a little bit. And yet, my sense of altruism is beginning to feel more like a thin veil of self-deception where everything I’ve been working toward is still focused entirely on me.

It’s not lost on me that this theme is also reflected in the writing of the Batu saga itself – the issue my protagonist is constantly struggling with as he tries to balance his needs with the needs of his society. Finding a niche that is both true to himself while also being beneficial to others.

As with everything in my life, including this website, it’s a constant work in progress. Work that never ends.

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45: A Shelved Song Cycle

2/19/2013

My usual pattern of laziness during January and February is holding true. Since my birthday, I’ve primarily been focused on finishing my “The Song of Alodia” poster (22”x17”). It’ been about two years since I started it, though I finished the center piece drawing about 17 months ago. It’s the detailed work of the bordering frame that intimidated me into not touching it again until last month. I’ll be done in a couple days now, and it’s looking awesome.

The owl’s not right though, and the hare’s ears are too short, and the lion’s mane is not full enough, and the tree isn’t centered, and a lot of the details in the border are subpar. But it’s still awesome. I think it will serve well as an underpainting someday, if I choose to paint it.

The plan is to do three more of these – one for each book, which will illustrate the segment of the Napatawalata that reflects the main narrative of each of the four books. Which means, I’m doing these posters out of order, and will do “The Song of Mugasha” poster next, but that segment of the Napatawalata is not even written yet. So, there’s the problem.

I really like this idea of the Napatawalata – anthropomorphic animals as culture heroes cast in mythic stories conveying the mores of Batu culture and its mythology while simultaneously reflecting the action of my main narrative with Mogai. The Napatawalata is high fantasy and total creative fun that contrasts nicely with the more literary realism of the main narrative.

In Kanar, the etymology of the word Napatawalata stems from the roots pa – four, wa – joining, and lata – among a group. So, it can be translated as “four joining among a group”, which is obviously a reference to the fact of its being a tetralogy. All four segments of the Napatawalata are interconnected and will be four pieces of a single work, most likely with Tapu taking the lead in each.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/9/2026

There hasn’t been much movement with the Napatawalata over the years since I made this entry. I finished the poster for “The Song of Mugasha”, and have written the first 9 pages, which completes Part One of it. And I have the outline for the entire thing formed. The last two pieces of the Napatawalata are tentatively titled “The Song of Jukun” and “The Song of Kamaria”, but with only vague ideas regarding what they may be about.

And that’s where it stands today. Like I said, considering it’s been thirteen and a half years since I wrote this journal entry, not much has changed with the Napatawalata.

A lot has changed with the books of the main narrative though, and I guess it’s appropriate that my focus has been placed more on that than the epic song cycle. Still… I’d really like to see it all finished before moving on with the final edits of Book Two: Tears of Stone next year.

We’ll see.

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44: Consolation by the Numbers

1/26/2013

I’m counting words. I’m on Chapter Four, so three more chapters to go. I currently have 52 scenes written, with an average of 6 ½ pages per scene. That’s the typical length of a chapter in many of the popular novels being published today. At 347 pages and 52 chapters, I’ve already written the equivalent amount for a typical book-length manuscript.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/8/2026

This is what I do. I console myself with numbers and shifts of perspective. I still do that, and have gotten quite good at it.

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43: My Shapeshifting Baby

1/20/2013

Finished two new illustrations last week, the bird for the Wings of Providence fable, and Mutanda and Bree for the Left Behind fable. So, Part One and Part Two both have their illustrations now. I also did the two title pages for the front matter of The Song Mugasha, along with a new cover design featuring the partial silhouette of a hunter and a spear. It all looks good. Came up with an improved binding technique so my first draft author’s copy looks good. My baby looks nice, and I’m happy with her so far.

I started Chapter Seven: The Wounded, over a week ago. Just a couple of paragraphs detailing Diallo’s nightmare of being a shapeshifter, changing into various animals as the Hira pursues him. Got distracted from that though by my artistic inspirations. It’s okay, at least I broke the ice and got a start, making it easier to return to it. Soon, I hope.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/7/2026

What I was calling Left Behind back then I now call Tears of Stone – the original and newer title for the second book. Though back then I thought it was just Part One and Part Two of book one, which I was calling The Song of Mugasha. Left Behind perfectly reflects the theme of that fable and many of the elements in book two, but I decide that title is too strongly associated with the apocalyptic Christian fiction series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. So, I ended up changing it to Tears of Stone, which is more in keeping with the tone I already established with Wings of Providence.

Things change, and it can get confusing for anyone reading these old journal entries who’s only familiar with how things stand now. Of course, things may change yet again between now and the final publication date scheduled for later this year.

Rereading this entry reminds me that I still have to upload the Left Behind fable to the collection of fables already posted to this website, as well as any other fables I wrote into the narrative of Book Two: Tears of Stone. I’m also reminded of how much I liked that dream sequence of the Hira, and Diallo shapeshifting to escape it. I’m really looking forward to going back over everything in Book Two when the time finally comes for its final edits.

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42: Priorities

12/31/2012

I started a Batu sketchbook last Thursday (1/3). I’ve got seven pages filled with Batu illustrations already. Two pages per day is pretty good for me, considering the quality is fairly high.

Been reading Shakespeare’s Henry IV, Part One and Two. Starting Henry V tonight. No progress on The Wounded yet. I’ve really been enjoying the sketchbook stuff. That and Shakespeare are all I’ve focused on. I’ve even been neglecting my correspondence. I have two letters on hold, waiting… waiting…

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Present-Day Reflection

7/6/2026

Waiting used to be one of my worst habits. Waiting for inspiration to hit. Waiting for the right mood. Waiting for windows of opportunity to just magically open for me. Waiting for my luck to change. Waiting for the world to start being fair. Waiting for someone who actually cares and knows how to listen. Waiting for someone to recognize my potential and offer me a shot at the life I always thought I should be living. Waiting for things to get easier. Waiting to die…

Call it procrastination, lack of inertia, depression, self-doubt, being in a funk, laziness… Call it whatever you want, it’s all bullshit. It’s all a choice, and it’s a choice I no longer indulge in. Not for long, anyway. I may have an hour or two, or even a bad day now and then when I slip back into the pattern of waiting for something better to happen on its own. But for the most part I’ve gotten much better at staying on track and making things happen for myself.

It all comes down to self-reliance and focusing on the work. I don’t need or want luck, and I don’t need or want any single individual’s help. I don’t need more than what I already have, whether its love, money or opportunities. I just need to use what I already have while keeping my focus on the work.

Nothing the external world tells me to care about matters. All that matters is the work. So long as I focus on that, and I do the best that I can, everything else that truly matters will fall into place. The only way my needs or wants matter is in how they affect the quality and efficient outflow of the work.

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41: An Ensemble Cast

12/31/2012

Well, I managed to make my deadline. Got Lost in the Darkness all transcribed and finished – as much as it will be for a long time. Now, onto Chapter Seven: The Wounded. A lot needs to change in this next chapter from what’s in the scene outline. I already have a boma creation in The Yara prologue, so this next chapter needs some major re-imagining.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/5/2026

All of what this entry is referring to is in Book Two: Tears of Stone, and what I said back on 12/31/2012 is still true today. There’s a lot in The Wounded to be fleshed out yet.

Now that Wings of Providence has brought the secondary characters into more prominence, the title for The Wounded will also be referring to them, not just Diallo and Alena. Tamal, Dougga, and Bakar will also have their formative wounds established in this section. Most notably in my mind right now, will be Tamal’s, where the accidental death of his last remaining brother shapes his attitudes even more toward precision and caution as he moves forward. It also nudges him even closer to Diallo, Bakar, and Dougga. Bakar and Dougga will have their wounds established here in similar ways as well.

The Batu saga as originally conceived, has changed dramatically in that it has become much more of an ensemble cast. All the secondary characters have become much more important as their own stories are being told with greater care. And for the four boys, everything that is happening in Tears of Stone is building up toward their jawara ben-bella – their rite of Passage into manhood.

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40: My Process

12/28/2012

Well, I finished Lost in the Darkness two days ago. It was a good feeling. The last scene was probably the best one. I reread the whole chapter in one sitting and was dismayed by the inconsistency in quality between all ten scenes. Some were okay, a couple were good, and a couple were terrible. The first scene was the worst.

So, I spent the last two days editing each scene, slashing and cutting huge segments from even the okay ones. And now that I’m transcribing this mess yet again, I’m giving each scene a last onceover before copying them into a legible format.

Scene-one took the biggest hit for deletions, but I also decided to add the concept of the Hira right away. Originally, I had planned to have it explained later by Makoa that what Diallo encountered was a Hira.

I only have this first scene finalized now, but I hope to have the whole chapter transcribed by the end of the year – in three days. It’s a lot of writing, but possible.

I’m not sure how unusual my writing process is, but it goes something like this: I review my scene outline, making sure I have all the elements straight in my head that I’ll need for the scene. Then I picture a beginning for the scene in a way and in a location I hadn’t imagined before, giving it a fresh start for me. Like with the last scene of Lost in the Darkness, I had no idea Kanunga would be descending the amori tree until I sat down to write it. All I knew was that he would be delivering Mosai’s remains to Diallo.

So, having a new and interesting point of entry into the scene, I go over the visuals in my mind and pinpoint the aspects that are most striking. I also think in terms of mood – what is the tone I’m looking for with this scene? I play it in my head like a movie, so when I go to write it, I can just describe what I see.

But before I start the actual writing, I start by compiling a couple of sheets of notes to work from, consisting of all the information I may need. In my ninth scene I had all the ritualistic details for Mosai’s funeral and the harvesting of his organs – all the spiritual symbolism.

Despite these notes and the detailed scene outline, the story must surprise me. It must expand in unexpected directions, or it dies. My scene outline for Lost in the Darkness consisted of only six scenes, but it ended up with ten. Scene two, with Makoa and Mosai, came about as I saw a need for it following the first scene. The scene with Makoa following the spoor was also not originally scripted. The appearance of the bachwezi, that came out of that, was never even considered for this chapter until I came to it.

Inspiration hits. I reach a point where I feel I need something more than what I planned, and ideas come. Often it comes because I loathe exposition that goes on and on, so I use dialogue to keep my own interest. And deciding to just insert dialogue somewhere I hadn’t planned on, changes everything.

Once I got all my notes compiled, I start the actual writing on scratch paper, never brand-new writing paper. For one thing, it would be a waste, because all my first drafts get flushed down the toilet and paper is too expensive. I keep a stack of scratch paper just for this purpose – any papers that come my way. This also relieves some of the burden of writing great and wonderful pros, because I’m just scribbling on scratch paper. I can write gibberish without feeling bad. This frees me to be more creative with nothing to lose – not even paper.

As I begin to write I usually go straight for a good visual to suck me into it. And my language usage is important to me right from the start. The language fuels the visuals and the mood, so I try to imagine how my favorite authors might phrase each sentence. The first line I write sets the tone, but it invariably gets edited heavily before I move on to the second sentence. With all my chicken scratches and crossed out words, my first drafts are completely unreadable by anyone but myself.

On average, I’d say it takes me a half-hour and several drafts to write a paragraph that is useable. If it looks okay, I copy it to a regular sheet of paper, often making last minute adjustments as I do.

I also keep a collection of phrases that have occurred to me that I liked and saved. Phrases like, “Dawn was waiting for him on the far bank of night.” I keep a few pages of these nuggets near at hand to help begin or end things with panache, and to give me a jump start when I get stuck. But these lines are seasoning, not the meat. Most of what I write comes from context.

Anyway…

I may have one to three drafts on scratch paper before transferring my writing to notebook paper. Then once I’m done with the whole chapter, I go back over it and edit the hell out of those 30-50 pages. Then rewrite it all one last time before that becomes my official first draft (ostensibly). This draft is then completed with an epigraph and illustration for the chapter’s title page.

And there it is. Until I feel it needs to be reworked, yet again.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/4/2026

My process hasn’t changed much since then. The main difference now is that I can afford to waste notebook paper and I have a computer. So, these days my process begins on notebook paper and ends on the computer.

I’m still a firm believer in writing the first draft with pen and paper rather than on the computer. Mainly because writing long-hand triggers a different part of my brain than typing. Writing long-hand is like drawing, as I shape the letters with my pen. And since I’m a visual writer, I want to tap into those visual parts of my brain.

Whether this is true or not, it’s the theory I’m going with.

Typing is also faster for me than writing by hand, and it helps me slow down and be more mindful with my first drafts. It’s also too easy to delete and edit as I go on a computer, which distracts me from what I want a first draft to be focused on. When typing, it happens all too often that my fingers get into a flow, and things just rush out in far different way than when I write with pen and paper.

In the end, it’s just a matter of taste.

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39: My Collaborators

12/24/2012

It took me a week, but I just finished Mosai’s funeral scene. One more brief scene and Lost in the Darkness will be done. Mosai’s funeral scene wasn’t so brief, however. At twelve pages long, it was the longest scene in this chapter.

Beyond its sheer length, it was the intense detail of ritual I hadn’t even worked out beforehand that made it intimidating to approach. Yet I did it in a week, and I believe it’s a solid piece of work. It just feels good to have it done as a foundation for future rewrites.

It worries me some that there’s so little dialogue. It worries me some that the rituals may seem contrived, or worse – boring. It worries me that the spiritual exposition dealing with the organ harvesting lacks poetry. It worries me whenever I feel like I’m just plugging in information to define the sociology without having it directly connected to the story. I’m very paranoid about the “who cares?” factor. I can’t stand it when author’s abuse my patience and take my attention for granted, dropping in things that no reader could possibly care about beside himself.

If I don’t like to read it, I don’t want to write it. Nobody owes me their time or attention. I must make every word earn its keep, and I’m only as good as my last sentence.

So, yes. There are several things to be concerned about within this scene, but even the more problematic sequences were only a paragraph or two.

One interesting thing about the process of writing this scene is that I didn’t map it out beforehand like I usually do for complicated, ritualistic and information-rich, scenes. I had my notes, but I completely winged it in terms of how I got to where I needed to go.

For example, I had no preconception of starting the scene with Diallo by the river until I sat down and wrote it that way. Then I had to figure out why he was at the river and how to get him to the end of the scene where Mosai’s funerary pyre would be lit. I knew everything that had to happen, but not how it would happen – until Diallo showed me the way.

This is how I prefer to work. Not trapped within preconceptions with no creative excursions, but not totally out there winging it with no supports either. Preconceptions are fine (and unavoidable), but I prefer to abandon them at the last minute and breathe into it a new life by painting in a fresh way.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/2/2026

I often imagine that my characters are with me throughout every stage of the writing process. In this case, Diallo taking me by the hand as he says, “Don’t be scared, I know the way. Come on, I’ll show you.” He physically tugs me then by the hand toward where he needs to be, showing me step by step what his part in the scene requires.

Like actors on a movie set who know their characters and how they should behave, often better than scriptwriters do, they can break it down for me and explain how and why things must be a certain way. I encourage this with my characters, listening to their feedback. There may be some disagreement, but in the end, I almost always do as they suggest. And I invariably regret it when I don’t.

They’re not just my co-workers, they’re my family. And as such, I’m responsible for them and their well-being. I feel their gaze upon me constantly, waiting patiently for their father to get back to works so they can live again.

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38: Looking Forward to My Past

12/18/2012

Well, for once I actually finished something within the expected time frame. In fact, not only did I finish the eighth scene in one sitting, but I finished it the same night as I did the leopard attack. Though just barely, having finished just a few minutes shy of midnight.

It turned out well with all the ingredients I envisioned. Its tone was right, not overly sappy or self-indulgent. Had a few lines I’m particularly proud of. It was only 2 ½ pages long, but it’s solid.

Now I’m faced once more with two remaining scenes in Lost in the Darkness, that are daunting. Mosai’s funeral and the harvesting of his organs are the next one. It’s a complicated sequence with flashbacks, cultural details I haven’t even decided on yet, and anatomical details I don’t even have notes on.

I shall push on through it, nonetheless. But I won’t even attempt to make a prediction for how long it will take. We’ll just have to wait and see.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/2/2026

I want to read what is about to come regarding Mosai’s funeral. It sounds interesting. Of course, I was there and am aware of the broad strokes of what’s about to take place. But it has, in fact, been over seven or eight years since I’ve last read it – and over thirteen years since I first wrote it – so, I’ve forgotten many of the details.

All of this takes place in Book Two: Tears of Stone, which I haven’t even looked at since I last rewrote it back in late 2017. I’ve been so focused on getting the first book rounded out into its own stand-alone book that Tears of Stone has been sitting untouched for quite a while now. Many of my favorite chapters of the entire series so far are in that book, and it’s comforting to know that there’s so much for me to look forward to when I finally move forward to the final edits of that second book.

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37: A Satisfying Finish

12/17/2012

The leopard attack scene is done now. Just finished and took six days to write six pages. That’s much better than the last scene, and I think the quality is better too. Though I relied heavily on my notes taken from reports of actual leopard attacks. Not very much of it was original, save for the phrasing. Someone said that the art of genius is the ability to conceal your sources. Well, I hope I concealed mine well enough.

This was an intimidating scene, its importance being obvious. Given that, I’m pleased with how it turned out. Particularly the death sequence. The leopard attack itself wasn’t much fun, just a lot of staging and having to figure out how to describe it. Action sequences are difficult for me in this regard, and not much fun.

The next scene where Diallo watches his father die will be more “fun” for me. I have no staging or notes that limit or define my options. I can spread my creative wings and just feel my way. It should be brief, too. No reason I shouldn’t be able to write it in one sitting.

Famous last words.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/1/2026

One of the most satisfying things about the writing process for me is simply finishing something. Finishing a scene. Finishing a chapter. Finishing a Part. Finishing a book. Finishing a myth or a fable. Even though nothing is ever really finished but merely abandoned. It’s enough to say I’m finished with it for now – adding it to the Batu canon and moving on to the next. Until I return and rewrite it yet again, months or years down the road.

Anyway, I’m at one of those points now with this website, having just finished my Kanar Exegesis upload and formatting. It took a lot longer than I thought it would, but it also turned out well. So, I’m enjoying that transitional pause between one project and the next, soaking up the self-satisfaction of a job well done.

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36: Confidence

12/11/2012

Just finished the leopard stalking scene, and it took me 17 days to write four pages. Written from Pardos’ point of view. It feels overly contrived with too much exposition. Too much cleverness, and not enough creativity. Considering the interesting ways I could have gotten inside the mind of a leopard, what I ended up with wasn’t very inventive.

I think I went into it burdened with too many tools. Too many notes on leopards that only served to confine me. Too many tidbits of information I tried to play in. It weighed it down, damn near suffocating it. Maybe killing it.

But having just now reread it, it seems okay. Hopefully it will at least be salvageable when fresh eyes rework it. Without starting all over with an entirely different approach to depict it, I did the best I can… for now.

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Present-Day Reflection

6/30/2026

This has happened more times than I care to admit, especially with the early drafts when I lacked confidence and relied too much on research. It really wasn’t until I returned to those early drafts and rewrote everything I had at the time – around late 2017 – that I began to trust my creative intuition and began to write better pros.

It wasn’t until I began writing The Ghost Frog quest though in 2023 that my confidence was strong enough for me to write chapters with only a passing glance at research notes. Writing whole chapters in a day, then rewriting them the next day. The Ghost Frog chapters were really my breakout chapters as a writer in terms of writing confidently with speed and without perfectionism second-guessing on the first drafts.

That’s when I first began to feel like a real writer instead of a wannabe.

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35: Fantasy Versus Reality

10/22/2012

After a few weeks of leaving my Batu work untouched I’ve been back at it now for the past few days. I’ve been pushing through the leopard sequences for Lost in the Darkness. Went back and rewrote the fourth scene, which lacked the necessary details for reading the spoor. Spent an entire day reviewing my notes on true accounts of animal attacks (leopard attacks in particular) and wrote a step-by-step choreography for Pardos attacking and mauling Mosai. The actual writing of that scene will be within the next couple days. I also collated my notes on the ways of leopards to write the sixth scene from Pardos’ point of view, which I’m almost finished writing. And I touched up and added material to the fifth scene, where Diallo wakes from a nightmare and sees Pardo for the first time.

On an entirely different track, one of philology – in going through my notes I once more came across my old ideas for a calligraphic form of Kanar and fell in love with them yet again. I had abandoned them as being too fanciful and unrealistic for hunter-gatherers, and too similar to Tolkien’s Elvish calligraphy. But for that matter, my Kanar glyphs are also too similar to Nordic runes. So, I’m thinking about overriding my earlier judgement, purely for aesthetic reasons, and bringing back the calligraphy form of Kanar as an element in the books. I really love the look of it.

And I abandoned reality a long time ago anyway. Technically, they shouldn’t even have villages if they were really hunter-gatherers. Not permanent ones anyway. They’d be nomadic, like the Mahalia band to the south. There’s much to be said for keeping it all fun and romanticized, rather than taking it too seriously with an eye for historical accuracy. And it’s with that spirit that I make creative decisions, like using the calligraphy form of Kanar.

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Present-Day Reflection

6/29/2026

As a young man, when my skills with drawing and painting began to reach the level they are now, I allowed myself to be influenced by the praise from others around me. Photo realism is a dead-end, artistically for me. Spending hours doing what a camera does in a split second feels like a waste of time, but impressing people with this magic trick kept me stuck in that rut. I sacrificed creativity and artistic expression for having my ego stroked and giving people “art” that is easy to judge as either good or bad. It either looks just like the real thing, or it doesn’t. Makes it easy to assess my skill without the messiness of subjective aesthetic taste.

I refuse to make that same mistake with my writing. First and foremost, I write for me and what I want to read. And I’m determined to err on the side of creativity and the aesthetically fanciful. We’re already living in reality, to replicate that in my art and fiction would be redundant and a waste of time. I’m not an ethnographer, trying to portray a real culture that is different from ours for mere appreciation of those differences – as Clavell did very well in Shogun.

I want to create and explore things that never were, that I think would be amazing if they did exist, but don’t. That is my taste, and I refuse to let myself be influenced by imagined critics who will have a field day tearing apart all my historical and ethnographic inaccuracies, or even the anachronisms. I try hard to create a sense of verisimilitude for the average reader who has no background in traditional African cultures, but that is as far as I’m willing to be influenced when it comes to my creative decisions with my Batu.

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34: Deadlines

10/22/2012

I’m still only halfway through writing Chapter Six: Lost in the Darkness. It took me two weeks to rewrite the 162 pages I just finished with, plus three new illustrations. So, I’ve been busy, just not with new material. I have to get my head back into Lost in the Darkness tomorrow though and start pushing on through it again. My fantasy is to be done with Part Two, so the first book will be half done by New Years. But that would mean writing 2 ½ chapters (illustrated, edited, and rewritten) in less than 2 ½ months.

Not very likely. Oh, it’s perfectly possible… theoretically. But given my production history, and creative energy lately, it’s highly unlikely. But I still hope, and time will tell. Time always does.

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Present-Day Reflection

6/28/2026

I’m the sort of person who needs self-imposed deadlines. If I just go with the flow and let whatever comes according to the whims of my moods… Well, to be honest I have no idea what would happen because I never do it. Even outside my Batu work, if I don’t give something a deadline it’s because I don’t care much about it. Which means I don’t keep track of it or remember the results of not having a deadline.

So, it’s only because I care that I’m able to enjoy my deadlines. On the other hand, I loathe deadlines that are imposed on me by others, because I never truly care about them. I might care about disappointing someone, but I don’t actually care about whatever it is that’s expected of me. This was usually the case with assignments in school, and art commissions as an adult, where I’m executing something I have no genuine interest in – beyond making others happy, or myself money. I hate those kinds of deadlines. And I usually resent whoever it is imposing them on me.

When it comes to my self-imposed deadlines, however, I thrive on them. I may disappoint myself when I don’t meet them, but I usually get more done than I would have without them, so I forgive myself. And when I meet a deadline, the feeling is extremely gratifying.

Every little bit of motivation helps.

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33: Managing the Mess

10/8/2012

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time can slip away for me. It’s been four months since I made an entry here. And though I finished Chapter Five: The Kulu, four months ago, I’m only halfway through Chapter Six: Lost in the Darkness. But though I’ve been creatively lazy, it hasn’t been as bad as it appears.

For example, I completely rewrote all of Chapter Five: The Kulu, rewrote and extended Chapter One: Alena, rewrote and added clarifying material to the prologue: The Yara, and have been illustrating the title pages of each of these chapters. I just finished drawing a ceremonial drum for the title page of Chapter Two: Kumbella. I also edited and added crucial material to that chapter and am currently transcribing it into a legible format.

All this rewriting is part of my desire to have a fully realized and designed Author’s Edition, done by hand but as nicely packaged and complete as possible. I spent a bit of time drawing up a cover for this, which was when I also finalized my decision to title my first book “The Song of Mugasha”.

And then I had some personal drama that involved my having to pack everything up and move. I mailed my Batu scene outlines to family and asked them to mail them back to me while in the midst of moving so I could use this downtime to continue working on the narrative.

So, I started Chapter Six: Lost in Darkness in the middle of my drama and was also in the middle of the fifth scene – just prior to Pardos killing Mosai, when I finally arrived at my new home, which was four days ago. Since then, I’ve rewritten Chapter One: Alena, edited Chapter Two: Kumbella, and illustrated Chapter Four: The Fever as quickly as possible so I can return to finish Chapter Six: Lost in the Darkness. Then Everything will be caught up so I’ll have my Author’s Edition in good order up to Chapter Seven: The Wounded. And hopefully get Chapter Eight: Dissolutions done too by New Years. That would make me halfway done with the first book in three months. I would be very happy with that.

So far, I am quite pleased with this polished Author’s Edition and can’t (at this time) find any fault with it. I have no doubt, however, that time will expose its faults. Time always does.

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Present-Day Reflection

6/27/2026

As I reread this entry I can feel the chaos of life back then within my unfocused ramblings, leaving me with a sense of gratitude to have it all behind me. Life will always be messy, just hopefully not to that degree anymore as I move forward. I like to think I’ve got a better handle on this thing called life, and so it appears from the comfort of my writing desk these days. I’m much more stable financially, emotionally, and with far less external turmoil coming from the others I share my life with. So, for the moment, I’m able to confine most of my drama to the pages of fiction.

There’s also a lot I could unpack from this entry in terms of how the structure of my Batu saga differs now from where it stood back then, but I don’t think I’ll bother. There’s still so much upheaval and restructuring yet to come in future entries, and it’s already beginning to feel like an exercise in futility trying to keep up with its unravelling. Suffice it to say, what I was calling “halfway done with the first book” in this entry was really halfway done with book two.

Life is messy. So, it’s only natural that the process of making art should be as well.

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32: Lost In the Darkness

6/3/2012

Finished “The Kulu” tonight. Eight scenes in all – 45 pages, and 14,901 words. I just reread it and its quality is inconsistent. The third scene, which I assumed would be the worst, wasn’t so bad. The fourth, which I thought would be much better, was the worst in the whole chapter. I gave too much Dougga’s background away too quickly in my eagerness to sell him to the reader. And the flora-fauna descriptions were gratuitous and irrelevant. The whole scene was too long and felt unnecessary. Needs a lot of editing.

Joyul’s characterization turned out to be surprisingly fun. She breathed some much-needed life into the dead wood of scenes five and six.

That seventh scene, where Diallo confronts Mosai about the lost Kulu, was one I was dreading, knowing how emotionally laden it would be and the importance of getting it right. But other than perhaps the pacing being a bit too fast, it turned out well.

The eighth and last scene was a last-minute decision, feeling I needed the chapter to end with a clear picture that Diallo was running away so that this chapter will connect well with the next. And I think this scene turned out nice, though not as nice as it felt while writing it. The diction felt good, but it seems that the most fun and interesting scenes to read are the ones with good dialogue.

This does not bode well for the next chapter, “Lost In the darkness”, where Diallo is alone with no one to talk to. And when he’s rescued, he’s no longer speaking. But it can’t be helped. This is the story I’m telling, and I just have to do the best I can. So far, on the whole, I’m very happy with all my writing. As a first draft.

The first person to read my work from prologue through Chapter Five: The Kulu, is a friend of mine, Steve Clark. He prides himself as an avid reader and I trust his opinion. More or less. So, when he agreed to try my work, I was curious how he’d respond.

He really seemed to like it and keeps asking me for the next installment. He’s not one to patronize people, so I believe he’s sincere when he says it’s really good work. He doesn’t want to critique its details for me like an editor though. He’s just giving me food for thought about things that were unclear for him – “Why is Ephrathah up in the trees?” I need to provide a clear reason.

But overall, I’m encouraged by the fact that he wants to know what happens next. And he also says he “loves Dialo.” That’s good. We’ll see if it stays that way.

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Present-Day Reflection

6/25/2026

Everything I’m referring to in this entry is from my work with the second book, Tears of Stone. It feels weird to me to reread about things that – from my point of view right now – still lies ahead for me and my writing. All of Tears of Stone is still under revision, with several chapters yet to be written until I can call it done.

I miss my long walks with Steve. I miss our arguments, as well as his encouragement for my Batu writing. He was a rare sort of friend, and I wish I had a way to track him down to send him a copy of what turned out to be my first book, Wings of Providence. It’s proven to be exceedingly rare to find people who care enough about what I’m working on to actually read it.

Though, to be fair, I’ve only ever handed over my work to friends and family so far. And, aside from my uncle Paul, none of them are avid readers of anything. I haven’t reached out and contacted any of my future readers yet. Right now, I’m still shouting in the dark as I continue building the foundations for my platform.

I’m almost ready to start reaching out, but for now I’m just missing my friend.

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31: The First Reader

5/18/2012

When I start a new scene, I look for an unorthodox angle as a hook, upon which I can enter in an interesting way. I’ve compiled all the ingredients for the fourth scene of “The Kulu”, worked out what happens, and with whom. Listed the things about Dougga’s background I want to reveal since it’s his POV. But I need an angle of attack – an approach that is creative and mood-setting. Like what I did with Wanyana’s introduction in “Kumbella”.

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Present-Day Reflection

6/25/2026

It’s vital for me as the first reader of my work to be just as enthralled as I’d like my future audience to be. It’s easier said than done though when I know in advance the basics of what’s about to happen. It’s a weird form of schizophrenia as I try and come up with ways to circumvent my own expectations – trying not to let my left hand know what my right hand is about to do.

It involves a lot of pivots, constantly changing my mind about how to do things. Then following my characters and where they want to go, as well as any unforeseen opportunities in the direction of the story. The devil is in the details, and so many surprises arise at every turn due to the chemistry of countless details.

This is the big difference between daydreaming and creating solely in my head. Putting pen to paper solidifies details. Dreams shift and change very easily, and with very little internal logic or consistency. Whereas every drop of ink on paper creates the canon I have to adhere to – or go back and rewrite it all in order to make sense out of it.

It’s fascinating for me, balancing being both creator and audience simultaneously.

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30: A Fool’s Hope

5/14/2012

I finally finished the third scene of “The Kulu”. What a pain in the ass it was. Dribbled out a paragraph here and there, dragging it out. Didn’t enjoy it at all. But I think I got the basic ingredients I need in there and will hopefully be able to breathe life into it on a rewrite later.

I’m hoping the fourth scene will be more fun, I already got the seed for an idea, coming at it from Dougga’s POV. I’m thinking of having him and Diallo in a one-on-one talking about Alena before seeing Kanunga and getting back to the Kulu story. Diallo’s still carrying the doll, setting it down with the Kulu, then being distracted with Dougga while Kanunga finds and picks up the Kulu.

Anyway, this is what I have to work with as I search for a way to make the scene sing – making up for that last mediocre scene.

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Present-Day Reflection

6/24/2026

Sometimes all I have to arm myself with as I move forward is hope. I bolster myself with as much research as I can to provide a sense of security, trying to avoid the feeling I’m just building on air. I’ve also been known to occasionally wait for inspiration, or a fresh point of view that excites me, before putting pen to paper. I had the luxury of time in those days to do that. However, whenever the moment of truth finally arrives, all I really have to carry me through is hope.

I’ve never had much use for the notion of faith, which to my mind is a dangerous alchemy of believing and wishing. I’ve always leaned more toward Heinlein’s quip that “learning ends where belief begins.” Deep down, I don’t really believe I’m going to pull off what I’m attempting, because when have things ever gone as planned? They usually turn out better or worse. Or simply different.

So, when pushing forward into the dark with no real beliefs to light my way, shining only with a desire to get lucky and maybe discover something beautiful and interesting – what am I to call that?

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29: Great Expectations

5/8/2012

I finally got back to the main narrative writing tonight… briefly. I only got a page done, taking three hours. It was the third scene of “The Kulu” where I left off four months ago. Left off right where Bakar says he’s invoking the Trial of Truth against Diallo. “Let’s find out the truth,” said Bakar – then I dropped it for four months.

Well, even though I only got a single page done tonight, and it wasn’t exceptional in any way, I’m glad I got the ball rolling again. Maybe.

I started #22 of the Kanar breakdowns but put it aside when I got inspired to get back to the real story.

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Present-Day Reflection

6/23/2026

Nothing happens the way I want it to. Expectations. The greater the expectations, the greater the frustration and disappointment. And yet, I don’t see any alternative on this side of living that I want to be a part of. I’m familiar with the alternatives. The surface teachings of many eastern spiritual precepts on how to reduce suffering. I’ve tried them. Looking deeper, however, I’m forced to accept that I need my frustrations and disappointments in order to fully actualize the person I need to be. I don’t enjoy it most of the time, but it’s what I’ve got to work with.

When I first began my Batu project it wasn’t a story or a book, it was an act of desperation due to a frustration and disappointment with my own life in general. I wanted a utopia, even if only in my own mind. And it didn’t take a lot of dabbling with that to quickly find it wanting.

The Batu novels, the characters and their personal stories – it all began to emerge out of a need for frustration and disappointment. Not because I’m a masochist who enjoys suffering. I don’t. I hate it. But I allow it because, for me, enjoyment is not what living is about. It’s not what art is about. Having fun and being comfortable, having the world be exactly as I’d like it to be, is not what my life is about. It’s about finding beauty and awe despite wading through the sewage. It’s about engagement with reality, in all its ugly and miserable details. The beauty of it all isn’t just in its occasional gems, it’s in the struggle and our ability to find them now and then despite everything. There would be no point to it, if not for the frustrations and disappointments.

Anyway, that’s how I see it.

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