29: Great Expectations
5/8/2012
I finally got back to the main narrative writing tonight… briefly. I only got a page done, taking three hours. It was the third scene of “The Kulu” where I left off four months ago. Left off right where Bakar says he’s invoking the Trial of Truth against Diallo. “Let’s find out the truth,” said Bakar – then I dropped it for four months.
Well, even though I only got a single page done tonight, and it wasn’t exceptional in any way, I’m glad I got the ball rolling again. Maybe.
I started #22 of the Kanar breakdowns but put it aside when I got inspired to get back to the real story.
Present-Day Reflection
6/23/2026
Nothing happens the way I want it to. Expectations. The greater the expectations, the greater the frustration and disappointment. And yet, I don’t see any alternative on this side of living that I want to be a part of. I’m familiar with the alternatives. The surface teachings of many eastern spiritual precepts on how to reduce suffering. I’ve tried them. Looking deeper, however, I’m forced to accept that I need my frustrations and disappointments in order to fully actualize the person I need to be. I don’t enjoy it most of the time, but it’s what I’ve got to work with.
When I first began my Batu project it wasn’t a story or a book, it was an act of desperation due to a frustration and disappointment with my own life in general. I wanted a utopia, even if only in my own mind. And it didn’t take a lot of dabbling with that to quickly find it wanting.
The Batu novels, the characters and their personal stories – it all began to emerge out of a need for frustration and disappointment. Not because I’m a masochist who enjoys suffering. I don’t. I hate it. But I allow it because, for me, enjoyment is not what living is about. It’s not what art is about. Having fun and being comfortable, having the world be exactly as I’d like it to be, is not what my life is about. It’s about finding beauty and awe despite wading through the sewage. It’s about engagement with reality, in all its ugly and miserable details. The beauty of it all isn’t just in its occasional gems, it’s in the struggle and our ability to find them now and then despite everything. There would be no point to it, if not for the frustrations and disappointments.
Anyway, that’s how I see it.
