71: It’s As Hard As I Make It
2/3/2014
I’m having a hard time finishing Dissolutions. At 62 pages so far, it is already the longest chapter yet. And I still have two or three scenes left. I just finished number ten yesterday, where Diallo and Guma arrive at L’Norien in pursuit of Alena. But now I have to figure out how to get Diallo to Kinjul for their fight, and how to get Diallo then to Alena. And of course, what do I do with Guma?
I can see in my mind Diallo climbing the ridge to the men’s fire circle where he faces off with Kinjul. I can see the view of the lake and the village below. I can see him wrestling with Kinjul and how Bakar, Tamal, and Dougga will come in and cause chaos. I can see Diallo in the tree outside Alena and Kinjul’s hut when Kinjul returns. And I can see Diallo walking away at the end. But what leads Diallo to the men’s fire? How does he know to go there, and why go there instead of straight to Alena? How does Diallo know where Alena’s hut is? Is Thiola in this? And if so, does she direct Diallo’s movements? How? And what do I do with Guma?
I’ve been thinking about these problems, or ignoring them, for over a month now. I took my time on scene ten because I knew I still had no clear idea how to fit all the elements together so they work in a way that makes perfect sense. I also want to wrap it all up as concisely as possible because this chapter is already too long, and yet I don’t want to sacrifice now that I’m at the climax.
Frustrating.
I just realized I haven’t written in this journal since the fifth scene with Tuk. So, a quick summary: Scene six was good with the Siona POV. It had an interesting tension between her and Diallo without revisiting the same exact emotions they had in their Twa Yal-Jukun confrontation. Then came a short and sweet scene between Diallo and Joyul that felt good to me. The eighth scene bored me though. Nothing interesting happened, and the passing beneath the log bridge was the only image I liked. The ninth scene was better – humor, drama, some fleshing out of cultural details, songs, etc. And I liked the suspense of finding the pirogue wreckage. Still needs some polishing, but everything in this scene works for me.
The Tenth scene was a pain in the ass. Trying to fit in a flashback to explain Hugoko and the bachwezi encounter, and then having to figure out and describe the shifting terrain, the flora, fauna, and geology of the river delta. Describing all these little details without coming off as a boring tour guide was a real pain in the ass. Not much fun. I loved the imagery of the rapids beneath the village, however, and the slate slabs of the stairway leading up to the village.
Aside from the necessity of explaining the Hugoko attack though, this scene almost seems irrelevant. But I wanted the L’Norien village and its environs painted well. Most of the book thus far has been confined to Ephrathah, and I wanted this scene to blossom visually in order to expand their world.
Its reading is clunky, however, and in need of a lot of polishing.
There are times when I feel that my writing is finally starting to show some improvement and my voice is beginning to tune in, yet when I go back to reread it, I’m still disappointed. Especially with all the drafts it took, and the labor I put into it, working all day long just to produce two or three pages. Then to have it suck…
Frustrating.
But so long as I do my best and get the meat of what I want down on paper, I got to move on and rely on future rewrites to bring it all up to par. I think I’m hoping I’ll be a much better writer by the time I come back to do my final drafts. Do the hard part now, working out all the mechanics, then polish it when I have more objectivity and skill.
Present-Day Reflection
8/4/2026
Still hoping but no longer waiting. The die has been cast, and for better or worse, the writing I’m publishing now is as good as it forever will be. Whatever hope I have left is for new work, as yet unwritten.
If I’m at all better now than I was thirteen years ago, it’s probably only from having more confidence and being able to trust my instincts so I can relax into my writing. Not so self-conscious and critical every step of the way.
It’s the same thing with drawing and painting, where it feels like I purposely made it hard when I was young in order to struggle with it for years. Only after I paid my dues did I allow myself to be good. If I’d only had more confidence from the start, Perhaps I could have been just as good at the beginning as I am now. Maybe confidence is the true basis for talent, and that if you truly believe it will take years to be good at something, you’re sure to be right.
Like life in general.
