73: A Sense of Purpose

2/9/2014

In many ways writing your first novel is like falling in love for the first time. You’ve finally found something greater than yourself. Something more important than yourself that you can give 100% of yourself to without worrying about what you get in return. It becomes a thing that defines you as a person, bringing a sense of purpose and direction. But what I find most amusing is that, like falling in love, you have the overwhelming conviction that nobody has ever felt as deeply about it as you do. Nobody has ever given so much or has been so empowered and transformed by the experience as you have. Nobody has ever suffered so much, sacrificed so much, risked so much, or loved so much.

This delusion is no doubt useful. Because without this irrational sense of being special we probably wouldn’t even bother. Who could possibly be inspired by the realization that all their toil, and all their passion, will only amount in the end to one more drop in the ocean?

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Present-Day Reflection

8/6/2026

I’m always in love. Either falling or basking in it. Ever since Alison, in the second grade, I’ve always had somebody to be in love with. Like a monkey swinging through the trees of life, I rarely let go of one branch until I have a firm grip on the next.

Romantic love, and finding my soul mate, has been my religion. My drug of choice. There’s always been a special someone who makes my stomach flutter when I see them. Someone to put all my hopes and dreams onto. And it’s always one-sided, of the unrequited variety. Even with those few I somehow managed to lure into a relationship, it’s always extremely unbalanced with me in the weaker position.

The faces keep changing, but they’re all the same. The love with a thousand names, but only one shape. Alison, Julie, Penny, Melonie, Toni, Andrea, Tracy, Mary, Gale, Jennifer, Edith, Kim... The list goes on and on. Indeed, there’s been so many I often forget some of their names. It’s been a long life, after all, and I’m getting old.

Georgette is but the latest in a long line of loves, though at my age she’ll probably be the last. It’s been a little over a year now – love at first sight, and beyond all utility or hope of going anywhere. She knows how I feel, or at least she’s been told and shown. Not sure if she’ll ever really know. Have any of them? And, as with so many before her, it’s become a game of cat and mouse where I’m merely something to toy with when there’s nothing better to do. Always kept at arms’ length and never shown any real interest beyond mild amusement.

It’s okay. At this point I wouldn’t know what to do with her if she reciprocated. I’d probably run away or do something to change how she felt. Never having had more than what I currently have, it’s what I’m used to. In truth, I don’t really need more than what I’ve got. All I need is something to love.

My writing gives me this, filling the gaps that people forever fail to fill.

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72: Progress Over Perfection

2/5/2014

I got Thiola’s introductory scene finished today. I think it turned out okay. In honor of Edith (upon whom Thiola is based), I wrote this one the way the books on writing fiction say it should be done – quick and free of all the anal editing on the first draft. I didn’t stop to try and perfect each sentence as I went. I wrote as fast as I could with a minimum of touching up as I went, not proofreading or reworking until the whole scene was done. It was only four pages, so it wasn’t too hard. Rewrote it then only once before editing the rewrite.

I want to try and do this with more of my writing from now on. My alla prima habit of writing is probably my largest obstacle to overcome. The anal perfectionism on the first draft is fucking up my pacing, my creativity, and the whole tone I’m trying to achieve. Wanting it all at once instead of layering is self-defeating.

I keep telling myself that my writing has improved over the past few years because I was able to set my ego aside and just do what the experts tell me to do rather than think my natural intuition’s the best guide. And yet, on this one rather important issue, I have continued to stubbornly cling to my anal habits by not trusting the method every book on writing fiction has recommended.

It’s time to put my ego aside for real, instead of just saying I do, and follow the advice of my betters. Because the way I’ve been doing it has been a royal pain in the ass, and the quality has also been inconsistent, to say the least. Even at my best, I could do a lot better.

Edith was the opposite of the anal perfectionist. She was a free and wild spirit, full of life and creative energy. I miss her and should probably let Edith (or Thiola) be my muse from now on.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/5/2026

Speed has never been my gift, whether in drawing and painting or in creative writing. Both have been exercises in patience and perseverance. I’ve been told I’m fast because I get to an end result faster than others trying to do the same thing, but that’s an illusion. I get done sooner, not faster. The sooner is achieved from staying on task and not stopping until it’s done, rather than from a quick pace.

It’s the story of the tortoise and the hare, where slow and steady wins the race over the quick but inconsistent.

This is not always the case with me, obviously. I lay things aside all the time for months, or even years. I’m just saying that when I do appear fast, it’s an illusion. Nobody watching me work from start to finish would ever call me fast. Merely diligent.

This is connected to my perfectionism, where I’m often unable to rest until I get it right. But then I came upon the question, “Would you rather be right, or effective?” This was in the context of communication skills and interpersonal effectiveness. But it works with a lot of things. Would I rather be perfect, or successful? Do I want to actually finish something great, or am I just trying to stubbornly prove something?

Within the context of drawing and painting I’ve long since learned how to tell when a piece is finished. If I’m the only one who’ll ever notice or care about the changes being made to it, it’s done. That rule should apply to writing as well.

It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to look like it is.

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71: It’s As Hard As I Make It

2/3/2014

I’m having a hard time finishing Dissolutions. At 62 pages so far, it is already the longest chapter yet. And I still have two or three scenes left. I just finished number ten yesterday, where Diallo and Guma arrive at L’Norien in pursuit of Alena. But now I have to figure out how to get Diallo to Kinjul for their fight, and how to get Diallo then to Alena. And of course, what do I do with Guma?

I can see in my mind Diallo climbing the ridge to the men’s fire circle where he faces off with Kinjul. I can see the view of the lake and the village below. I can see him wrestling with Kinjul and how Bakar, Tamal, and Dougga will come in and cause chaos. I can see Diallo in the tree outside Alena and Kinjul’s hut when Kinjul returns. And I can see Diallo walking away at the end. But what leads Diallo to the men’s fire? How does he know to go there, and why go there instead of straight to Alena? How does Diallo know where Alena’s hut is? Is Thiola in this? And if so, does she direct Diallo’s movements? How? And what do I do with Guma?

I’ve been thinking about these problems, or ignoring them, for over a month now. I took my time on scene ten because I knew I still had no clear idea how to fit all the elements together so they work in a way that makes perfect sense. I also want to wrap it all up as concisely as possible because this chapter is already too long, and yet I don’t want to sacrifice now that I’m at the climax.

Frustrating.

I just realized I haven’t written in this journal since the fifth scene with Tuk. So, a quick summary: Scene six was good with the Siona POV. It had an interesting tension between her and Diallo without revisiting the same exact emotions they had in their Twa Yal-Jukun confrontation. Then came a short and sweet scene between Diallo and Joyul that felt good to me. The eighth scene bored me though. Nothing interesting happened, and the passing beneath the log bridge was the only image I liked. The ninth scene was better – humor, drama, some fleshing out of cultural details, songs, etc. And I liked the suspense of finding the pirogue wreckage. Still needs some polishing, but everything in this scene works for me.

The Tenth scene was a pain in the ass. Trying to fit in a flashback to explain Hugoko and the bachwezi encounter, and then having to figure out and describe the shifting terrain, the flora, fauna, and geology of the river delta. Describing all these little details without coming off as a boring tour guide was a real pain in the ass. Not much fun. I loved the imagery of the rapids beneath the village, however, and the slate slabs of the stairway leading up to the village.

Aside from the necessity of explaining the Hugoko attack though, this scene almost seems irrelevant. But I wanted the L’Norien village and its environs painted well. Most of the book thus far has been confined to Ephrathah, and I wanted this scene to blossom visually in order to expand their world.

Its reading is clunky, however, and in need of a lot of polishing.

There are times when I feel that my writing is finally starting to show some improvement and my voice is beginning to tune in, yet when I go back to reread it, I’m still disappointed. Especially with all the drafts it took, and the labor I put into it, working all day long just to produce two or three pages. Then to have it suck…

Frustrating.

But so long as I do my best and get the meat of what I want down on paper, I got to move on and rely on future rewrites to bring it all up to par. I think I’m hoping I’ll be a much better writer by the time I come back to do my final drafts. Do the hard part now, working out all the mechanics, then polish it when I have more objectivity and skill.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/4/2026

Still hoping but no longer waiting. The die has been cast, and for better or worse, the writing I’m publishing now is as good as it forever will be. Whatever hope I have left is for new work, as yet unwritten.

If I’m at all better now than I was thirteen years ago, it’s probably only from having more confidence and being able to trust my instincts so I can relax into my writing. Not so self-conscious and critical every step of the way.

It’s the same thing with drawing and painting, where it feels like I purposely made it hard when I was young in order to struggle with it for years. Only after I paid my dues did I allow myself to be good. If I’d only had more confidence from the start, Perhaps I could have been just as good at the beginning as I am now. Maybe confidence is the true basis for talent, and that if you truly believe it will take years to be good at something, you’re sure to be right.

Like life in general.

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70: Distorting Points of View

12/19/2013

Well, I’m going to be blowing my deadline. There’s no possible way Dissolutions will be done by New Year. But I finally finished the fifth scene tonight (Tuk’s scene), and I’m happy about that. Happy that it’s done, but not so sure if I’m happy how it turned out. Have to give it some space and reread it fresh in a couple days.

I made a last minute change with this scene by writing it from Tuk’s POV, the first one I’ve written for him, and I’m not sure if I got it right or not. But the unusual perspective is at least nice. I’m also happy with the impromptu imagery of the boy’s secret den that I came up with, complete with a drawbridge. I like it when Ephrathah expands and gets more fleshed out like this. World building.

I’m concerned that the emotional impact in this scene might be weak, which could be because I used Tuk for the POV. I made a couple on the fly changes to the plotting structure that now forces me to go back and edit past scenes for the sake of consistency – e.g. Diallo will now be waiting for four days for Alena to come to him in their love nest, which is why the whole village knew about Alena’s marriage before him. Tamal, Dougga, and Bakar were looking for him for those four days. Tuk should probably be more protective in scene four when Kinjul becomes threatening.

Now, for the next scene – I hadn’t originally envisioned Tuk being present for the Siona confrontation. This forces me to alter the physical threat of Siona somewhat. Might be interesting though.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/3/2026

My memory of writing what is now called Chapter 47: Tuk’s View is quite different from what is expressed in this 12/19/2013 entry. I remember having done quite a bit of research about dogs, their behaviors, and their sensory capabilities. Also, reading other works of fiction written from a dog’s perspective. I don’t remember Tuk’s POV being a spontaneous decision at all. Though maybe all my research came after the impromptu first draft.

I also remember having loved the quality of the writing for this chapter enough to have gone back and reread it several times just for the shear pleasure of the reading. I don’t recall at all the initial doubts and concerns being conveyed in my Author’s Journal.

Such is the malleability of memory and the distortions of time. It’s a pattern with me I’ve long suspected – the possibility that I view the past as something better than it actually was. If this is true, it’s a failing I appreciate since it allows me to be happier with my life in general than perhaps I have a right to be.

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69: Forward Momentum

12/4/2013

Finished the bride-price scene yesterday. Introduced Kinjul and told the animal bride myth. It all feels okay, but not really special. It lacks grace and atmosphere. It’s conveying information and setting things up for the future, but it doesn’t make me want to live there. Maybe I’ll nail it on the rewrite. I’m content for now though, just having it done so I can move on. My deadline for Dissolutions is New Years.

Four scenes down and about six to go.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/2/2026

Sometimes, just maintaining some forward momentum is the best I can do. Like today. I’m having a hard time just getting out of bed and making it to my first cup of coffee. I’m not getting any of the real work done I want and need to do to launch my first book. But… I’m out of bed and writing here. Have an hour and a half to eat breakfast, shower, get dressed, and get out the door to catch the train to work. Not time to format the PDF and EPUB files for Wings of Providence like I’d like to do. I’m usually too tired to work on it when I get home from work, putting it off to the weekend

At least I’m staying up to date with these Author’s Journals. My deadline for my book launch is the end of this month. I’m content for now though, just looking forward to moving on. Sometimes, just maintaining some forward momentum is the best I can do.

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68: The Unraveling Tapestry

11/13/2013

Finished the third scene for Dissolutions two days ago. It’s the love scene between Diallo and Alena, and where Diallo shows her their yaras inscribed in the tree. It took all day to write the first two pages, then three more pages the next day. Then I took a few days off and finished the last five pages in one long day of constant work.

I think it turned out okay. Putting them up in Diallo’s secret love nest helped. The language was slow and labored, though as usual the dialogue came easy. I got my notes gathered for the next scene and am ready to go. Got to cram a bunch into this next one. Diallo, Joyul, and Kanunga scraping Kinjul’s bride-price hide; Joyul’s telling of the animal-bride myth; the warning that Pardos is in the area so they’re restricted to the village; Kembara is there playing with and eating the scrapings from the hide; Kinjul appears and belittles Diallo; Tamal–Dougga–Bakar make a raid on the smoked meat hanging there in the hub, etc.

The hard part will be how to manage Joyul, because she knows Alena is leaving and Diallo doesn’t. Kanunga’s unaware of Diallo’s relationship with Alena, so he’s oblivious to Diallo’s interests. I might have Joyul suggest to Diallo that he should go talk to Alena, quickly – but he doesn’t get a chance because the boys’ raid interrupts everything.

I’m not sure. It’s a tricky situation of juggling who knows what while not revealing what they know, yet keeping the conversation natural and unrestricted. I’ll figure it out.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/31/2026

Today, Dissolutions consists of 14 chapters spanning 98 pages. It speaks to the loss of oneself in a relationship, then losing that relationship. It’s about the transition from stability and security into fractured and separate components.

There’s a core thread woven throughout this unraveling that holds it all together, however – the idea that when things fall apart, structure always gives way to both emptiness and freedom in equal measure. It’s never just about endings, but also about new beginnings.

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67: Earning My Quiet Moments

10/24/2013

Got the first scene of Dissolutions done. So, now the first two are completed. It took me six weeks to get to it, but when I finally got my mojo back two days ago, I was able to knock-out the 6 ½ pages of the first scene.

It turned out okay. Has some nice symmetrical symbolism that will only be apparent for those rereading the entire series. It’s got some Siona background, a little bit of humor, a few surprises that were nice. Yet it doesn’t have me terribly excited either. That’s okay though. Good is good enough. I probably need to have peaks and valleys so it’s not exhausting to read. So long as the writing is good and the story is progressing, and the characters are evolving. It doesn’t have to be a mind-blowing star-spangled extravaganza in every scene.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/31/2026

Indeed. Looking back over my Batu saga in its entirety, almost all of my favorite pieces are the quiet ones. It’s the depth of still waters, and their subtle emotional undercurrents, that catches me off guard to carry me away.

It should be remembered, however, that these quiet moments only work because of the noise and clamor of the more intense pieces surrounding them. The peaks and valleys I referred to thirteen years ago. This is the fundamental difference between drama and melodrama for me – where the former is earned and the latter is not. Good writing earns the emotional core it’s striving to evoke. It earns its place from a well developed context.

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66: Fear of Failure & Happy Accidents

9/12/2013

I accidentally finished my first scene for Dissolutions three days ago. By being so intimidated by the creative work in front of me, I spent such an excessive amount of time establishing a good scene outline that the outline became the actual scene.

This is scene two I’m referring to, not the first one. I have yet to write scene one, but its outline is already excessively worked out as well. It amuses me how this happened though with scene two. It’s only two pages long, but I just had to add one sentence and change a few words, and it was done.

This illustrates for me how stupidly frightened I am of facing the actual writing of my book that it has come to the point where it only gets written by accident.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/30/2026

I was five or six years old when I fell in love for the first time in kindergarten. Her name was Alison, the little red-haired girl that every boy in school was in love with. In the 2nd grade, when I was eight, her best friend Joy told me at recess that Alison liked me. I chased Alison all over the playground yelling, “Is it true?” over and over again, finally pinning her down in the grass beneath a hundred-foot-tall Douglas Fir. I had no idea what to do next when the whistle blew for the end of recess.

This anecdote is one of the few intentionally biographical details that is translated into my work, written into the beginning chapters of Book Two: Tears of Stone – what I was struggling to get just right in this journal entry from 13 years ago. Having been the chosen one by the prettiest girl in school as my first love spoiled me. Alison became the benchmark that every girl afterward had to live up to. I was romantically doomed from the start, the memory of first love having been so heavily rewritten and idealized over the ensuing years that no real person could ever live up to it. Especially not me.

I’ve done the same thing with painting and writing, where the idealization of perfection and the fear of failure to measure up has haunted me most of my life. This is why some of my best work, and some of my best relationships, have been the result of happy accidents. I’ve gotten over this to some degree as I’ve grown older – the fear of death and running out of time outweighing the fears of my youth.

And yet, having recently revisited with a sense of nostalgia my childhood playground, I was glad to see that not much has changed. The tree is still there, as is the school and its playground field. Sitting there beneath our tree, with 46 years separating me from the ghost of the little red-haired girl, I was astonished at how little had changed.

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65: Structural Decisions

9/3/2013

I began collating Chapter Eight: Dissolutions a few days ago. Of course, I already had my outline, and a good idea of the changes to the outline, but as I systematically went through all my notes (always a major undertaking) Chapter Eight grew beyond what I ever imagined it would. My compiled notes for it alone are 28 pages. I won’t use everything in my notes… probably. But still, this could be a long chapter if I don’t plan it out economically.

I’ve got three major geographical phases, going from Ephrathah to the Dula, then to L’Norien. This is the first time I’m going to L’Norien in the story, so a lot of my notes are concerned with that. But there are subtle and not so subtle plot developments that are emerging as well: Diallo’s betrayal of Alena’s confidence, which is why he thinks she abandoned him. Kinjul’s visit to Ephrathah to collect Alena, without Diallo knowing it. Diallo scraping the eland hide, which turns out to be Kinjul’s bride-price for Alena. Siona leaving Ephrathah with Alena for L’Norien. Guma and Diallo leaving for L’Norien alone, with Tamal-Bakar-and Dougga following on foot behind. Having Pardos sighted in the region so all women and children are confined to the village canopy for a few days, which all the boys violate.

These are the major changes, but there are many other fine-tuning details to work in as well. Lots of decisions to make and figuring out how it all fits together in the best way. It should be good though, spanning a wide range of emotional and geographical landscapes. Lots of good imagery, and lots of opportunities for character development.

Now I’ve got to write out a new scene outline for it. Then I have to write it.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/29/2026

Looking back, it’s hard to imagine how I could think of Dissolutions as a single chapter. It not only grew into being an entire quarter of the book – Part Four – but turned out to be the largest of the four parts. Or at least, it was when I finished it back then.

Book Two: Tears of Stone, still has a lot of editing to do. Several chapters have yet to be written and inserted to flesh things out. And even the basic structure is not set in Stone yet. I’m still considering the possibility of incorporating The Shadow Falls – which is already finished – as Part Four in that book, instead of Part One in the third book. If I do, then Part Two: Lost In the Darkness, and Part Two: The Wounded would be incorporated into one part (The Wounded). In which case there’d be Part One: The Kulu, Part Two: The Wounded, Part Three: Dissolutions, Part Four: The Shadow Falls.

This is still under consideration. I have to think about the story arc and how this effects the plot and theme structure for both Book Two and Book Three. It shouldn’t be possible to simply rearrange major elements of the structure in this way. If it is possible, then it speaks to an inconsistent – or nonexistent – premise for the entire book. Which is bad.

Why am I always struggling with premise issues?

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64: The Napatawalata Posters

8/26/2013

I finished The Song of Mugasha poster’s centerpiece illustration. The entire thing only took me seven days. Much better than the eight months it took me to do the interior of The Song of Alodia poster.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/28/2026

The posters haven’t been worked on one bit since that entry thirteen years ago. They’re hanging on the wall in my entryway hall in the exact state as they were back then, though now they’re glued and mounted to matte boards and framed. One day, after all four of The Napatawalata posters are drawn like these two were, I will use them as references for four large scale oil paintings. But for now, they will remain as is.

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63: Burned-Out

8/19/2013

I guess I should give some accounting here for the last month and a half. Though I can’t honestly say what happened to July. I’ve completed sixteen new pages in my Batu Sketchbook, now totaling 31 pages. I’m in the process of adding Ardra, the spider. I’ve started my Song of Mugasha drawing on the four pieces of paper that make up the poster. Just the outline sketch right now, and at this point it’s only missing Tapu’s gazelle love interest in the background and some refinements to the mountain.

I’ve done no Batu writing since June 7th. Now that I think about it, July was focused on the Kanar glyph descriptions. I finished with 28 of the 40 when I burned out and shifted gears to illustration. I think I may shift my gears back to finishing that up. I’m happy with my Kanar work and the latest illustrations, including finishing the iconic drawings of the ten humanoid manifestations of the Vodun. But I won’t be completely satisfied until I get back to the actual writing of Chapter Eight: Dissolutions.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/27/2026

I deal with burn-out almost on a daily basis. Though I’m usually pretty good at suppressing it and pushing forward. I manage it for the most part with sleep, caffeine, and isolation, with an occasional indulgence of wasting time doing something fun or pointless.

The thing is though, I’ve already spent decades indulging in doing fun things that are pointless, and I’ve had my fill. I don’t really care about happiness or fun the way I used to. These days I’m only happy or having fun when I’m alone and working on my Batu in some way. And often as not, not even then. But I’m miserable if I don’t, so it amounts to the same thing - happy about not being miserable.

My life, as I knew it, is over. All that’s left for me is my work. This is a choice I’ve made, where people and the external world are meaning less and less to me. I still engage with it because I have to in order to pay the bills and survive, but for the most part – when it comes to life outside my bubble – I’m most definitely burned-out.

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62: Slowing, but Not Stopping

6/30/2013

I just finished yet another revised Kanar table, totally based on Swahili now, as well as a lengthy addition of words to flesh out my Kanar Lexicon. I’m starting to formulate the fundamentals of Kanar grammar, but I’m keeping it very simple. Tomorrow I’ll start rewriting the Kanar breakdowns, my goal being to have them completely finished by the end of July, and well into Chapter Eight: Dissolutions as well.

As for The Napatawalata, I got the basic story outline for The Song of Mugasha done, and the first 3 ½ pages written, as well as the sketch for the poster that will go with it. So, I have a good feel for what The Song of Mugasha fable will be like and its imagery. I’m pretty excited about it and will continue working on it as I need breaks from working on the breakdowns and Chapter Eight.

It’s hard to believe that this is all I’ve got done for the whole month of June, especially since there wasn’t one day I didn’t work on something Batu related, and Many days were all-day workdays trying to get stuff done.

Nonetheless, I’m content with how Kanar is shaping up and The Song of Mugasha fable. The poster sketch for that looks good, too, and if done well, may even turn out better than my Song of Alodia poster. We’ll see.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/26/2026

Most of the time I push to get things done, but sometimes – like the last couple weeks for me recently – I just let it go and take my time. I get tired of pushing and just take it easy for a bit, only doing what feels right in the moment. Which isn’t much.

As with this entry from June 30th 13 years ago, I still do something Batu related every day, but not central to my mission.

This is my version of taking a break. Not moving the needle much but still doing something. It’s my way of managing burn-out. Slow down to a crawl for a minute before picking myself back up to start running again.

It’s important not to judge myself and to allow this from time to time, trusting that I’ll get back into the game when I’m ready.

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61: Shelving Tapu

6/7/2013

I started The Song of Mugasha fable, as the first part of The Napatawalata. I’ve been struggling for a couple days on how to reconcile the prophecy of Mugasha with a Tapu story, but without success. So, I decided to just start the Tapu story with his birth, letting it parallel Diallo’s, and hope that an opportunity will present itself to tie it in with the prophecy. Because without doing that the title won’t make sense and it won’t fit as a companion to the first book in my series. I have the vague notion that Tapu will be on a quest in search of Mugasha, but I haven’t got any particulars figured out yet.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/25/2026

Thirteen years later and I’m still only 9 pages into writing The Song of Mugasha. It just hasn’t been a priority. And I don’t see that changing until after I get Wings of Providence launched and I achieve enough success with that to retire from my day job. I just don’t have the time and energy right now to focus on the creative writing aspects of my main narrative, or any of its related projects like The Napatawalata.

Time is the ultimate governor. Time and energy, but mostly time. Right now, all my free time is going toward building and launching this website. After that it will be spent marketing and editing the narrative for the second book, not on furthering the creation of any new work. That is going to wait until I’m retired, when writing has become my sole occupation.

The original plan was for that to happen by the end of this year. I knew even as I formulated that plan that I was being overly optimistic, but erring on the side of optimism has always been an intentional tactic.

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60: Decisions

6/6/2013

Finished the final transcription of The Wounded two days ago. Now I’m debating what to do next – continue on to Chapter Eight: Dissolutions, start The Song of Mugashafable with Tapu, or return to my Kanar breakdowns.

Decisions, decisions.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/24/2026

All I am are the decisions that I make. Nothing has changed in this regard.

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59: Finishing The Wounded

5/28/2013

I did it. I just finished Chapter Seven: The Wounded. The seventh and last scene turned out well, I think. I haven’t read it from beginning to end yet, but it feels good. The language felt clean and it was visually evocative. The little details between Diallo and Alena worked out well. Now I have to come up with the chapter illustration and epigraph. I also want to reread and edit the entire chapter tonight so I can begin transcribing my official first draft tomorrow.

It feels good to be done with another chapter. And three days before my deadline!

I just finished rereading the entire chapter. Took about 3 ½ hours for 47 pages. There wasn’t as much editing required as I feared, and it was better and smoother than I thought it would be. When I go to rewrite it in a week or two, I’ll reread it all again for last minute touches. But I think it’s good to go for my first draft. I’m happy.

For the chapter’s illustration I’m picturing a battered portrait of Diallo’s face. That will be hard to come up with, but the payoff will be big if it works.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/23/2026

As noted before, what is now known as Part Two: The Wounded, from Book Two: Tears of Stone, is probably my favorite segment in the series so far. And my younger self seems to be in agreement with me. I even have some good ideas for the illustration of Diallo’s battered face that I can proceed with. Though I have yet to work out how I’m going to use illustrations in any versions of my future publications.

Anyway, I have more immediate issues to address before I can allow myself to move on to reworking the second book. I’m eager for it though.

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58: Time for Better Eyes

5/26/2013

Well, I’ve been busy, but not on the Kanar breakdowns at all. I’ve been hustling to get the sixth scene of The Wounded done by today, which I did! So, I got one last brief scene and Chapter Seven will be done.

This sixth scene posed interesting challenges, what with the action sequence involving the crocodile. Action sequences are difficult for me, maintaining the tension, fear, suspense – all the necessary emotions. And it’s really hard to tell how close I come to succeeding. Rereading it now tells me nothing. It’s a cold fish. I have to come back to it in a month or so and reread it fresh. But I think it’s okay.

Some nice elements emerged from this scene – a few surprises. One being that I spontaneously decided to make Alena’s eyes crystalline gray. A mark of distinction from everybody else in a physical way that helps set her further apart. I think it also adds to the exotic appeal, while feeding into her future talent as an oracle.

The other thing to emerge was their first kiss. Not with lips, of course, but with their foreheads and ear caressing as the Batu do. This occurred organically from Alena’s examination of Diallo’s amulet, but I thought after it was added that it was always necessary. Because the next chapter will pick up years later when they’re in the midst of their relationship, and I needed something more definite now pointing to where they are headed. Besides, I can’t write Mogai’s story without including his first kiss. I’m not sure yet if I want to include his first sexual experience in the next chapter or have it already a done deal.

The problem is their age. But the story schedule can’t wait. Alena’s got to go at fourteen, and I have no interest in pursuing their romance indefinitely beyond the next chapter’s tragedy. I’m not writing a romance novel. Love only exists to inflict pain, not for its own sake.

Yes, I’m a cruel god. Just like the one who is writing my life story.

Two lines of interest stand out for me in this sixth scene as well, when Diallo begins to realize he may not die from the crocodile after all: Every moment that he was alive his expectations for remaining that way became stronger and stronger. His confidence, as with his faith, was built upon the mud of the world.

I like how this observation contrasts with Alena’s faith, which is true faith because it requires no proofs of experience to fortify it. Diallo’s faith, if that’s what it is, is based on the external world while Alena’s comes from within. And the mud of the world ties in nicely with the mudhole where they’re both facing death together.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/22/2026

Until rereading this just now, I had completely forgotten that this is where I decided to go with the eyes of the nabi for Alena. It never ceases to amaze me as I go back over these journal entries how late into the creative process some of my key elements got introduced for the first time. Which, of course, explains part of the reason why I had to go back and rewrite the entire narrative so many times.

I truly appreciate not being a professional writer, in the sense of having to publish in order to pay the bills. Being able to take decades to develop and rework the entire series – constantly updating key elements without having to stick to a Batu canon that’s established by previous publications – gives me the creative freedom I need to shape and reshape the whole series precisely how I want it. Having that holistic view—which really only comes once everything exists in draft form—has been essential for me.

I suspect there’s no way to get rid of regrets entirely, and that someday after it’s all published, I will still look back and wish I’d done this or that differently. I’m just hoping that pushing off publication dates as long as I have has minimized this.

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57: Choices That Define

5/21/2013

Well, I’ve been busy, but not on The Wounded at all. I’ve been hustling to get the Kanar breakdowns done by Martha’s birthday on the 24th, but once I reached #33 – thanaka – I ran into a brick wall in terms of not being able to fit the pieces together. I wasted a couple days then going through and organizing my Kanar lexicon, looking for help as I went back over the breakdowns I had finished. I discovered several major problems that forced me to realize the entire Kanar language I’d been piecing together is fundamentally flawed. In both concept and approach. So, I decided to throw it all out and start over.

This time I started with Swahili as a baseline, which is itself a pastiche of African languages mixed with Arabic. It’s worked out the problems of consistency for me, though I’m altering and adapting the Swahili as needed. Then it took me all day yesterday from the moment I woke up until midnight to get a new Kanar alphabet table made, with massive rearrangements thematically so the groupings of each set of glyphs makes much more sense and are more appropriately associated with the proper gods and symbols.

Due to my rearrangements of the gods and symbols my rewrite of all of them will be quite different as well, not just rearranged. Everything has changed. But I had no choice, and the payoff will be much more satisfying than going ahead with the faulty system I had in place.

Also, and I don’t know why, I woke up this morning thinking about Alena and Diallo’s relationship in the next chapter – Dissolutions. It occurred to me that Beryl could end up being Mogai’s daughter. If Alena is pregnant with Diallo’s child – though not showing any external signs of it – this could be an additional reason Siona sends her off immediately to be married. Perhaps the only reason, if I decide to keep Alena’s association to Diallo a secret from Siona.

Beryl being Diallo’s daughter could create all sorts of interesting drama. Not just now, but also in the future when Mogai meets Beryl. This could also provide the foundation for the abusive behavior of Alena’s husband, if he even suspects that Beryl is not his daughter.

I need to research the genetic problems of consanguinity between Alena and Diallo though and find out what sort of abnormalities could be found in a child from parents who share the same father but different mothers. If research allows for an innocuous result from such a union, I might even be able to let the Fa Hawara prophecy fall to Beryl, not Alena. I’m not sure yet how that would be better, but it’s an option… possibly.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/21/2026

The most difficult part of my choice regarding the changes to Kanar was deciding to use Swahili as a baseline. This robbed me of my sense of creativity in the naming of the glyphs, despite my altering them significantly in many cases. It solved a lot of my problems, but it bruised my ego by having to abandon my own system to rely on the essence of another not of my creation.

However, my decision was based on the quality of the result, leaving my ego out of it. I’m not Tolkien, and philology was more of a hobby than a passion back then. Ultimately, I couldn’t justify the time I was spending on working out a completely original foundation that worked. I had to get back to the main narrative of my books.

As for the question of Beryl’s parentage I’d been toying with, that too was a dead end leading nowhere I want to go. Not just because it feels trashy in a Jerry Springer or Maury Povich sort of way, but I’m simply not interested in the sensationalism of Soap Opera plot lines like I was back then.

I want less cheese and more meat.

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56: So Close, And Yet So Far

5/10/2013

I just finished my 22nd Kanar breakdown. I got 18 more to do. I’m reminded now, having just finished Chaga, how satisfying it actually is to do these breakdowns of the Batu alphabet. It’s a crucial ingredient in the world building, establishing their culture. It nails down their mythology fundamentals in an interweaving, interdependent way I find very appealing. And having their alphabet solidifying while also feeding the formulation of their divination practices and spiritual values is very gratifying.

I’d love to get this whole Kanar project done this month. One a day is all I need to achieve. That’s only about 3-4 hours a day. But considering I started these breakdowns about two years ago and I’ve only got 22 of the 40 done, it seems unlikely it will be done this month. But I’ll try.

I don’t want to ignore the sixth scene with Alena dancing for Ombure though. I’ve already collated my notes and most of the information I’ll need to write it. I’ll try to break the ice on it tomorrow morning.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/20/2026

I almost feel sorry for the younger version of myself back then. I had no idea what was on the verge of happening, and that I was nowhere near to being done with the formation of Kanar like I thought I was. Everything was about to be completely revamped to make its internal consistency much easier to manage. The artificial etymology and word-roots I’d been working with were becoming a nightmare as I struggled to maintain symmetry between them. It was a hard decision to make, but that was why all the names of the glyphs, and many of their shapes, were soon to be changed.

So, Chaga is no longer the name of the 22nd glyph. It’s now named chukäta, though its glyph shape was not one of the ones I changed.

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55: What Was I Thinking?

5/6/2013

Well, the fifth scene is done, where Diallo’s friends find him unconscious. For some reason I had a lot of difficulty with diction with in (see?) this one. It started to flow fairly well toward the end, but it was herky-jerky and rough going there at the beginning. It also turned out a lot longer than I planned – 9 ½ pages. The last scene of The Wounded won’t be long, but this next one could be. Part of me is still debating whether I want the idea of Alena dancing for Ombure or not. That may be over the top and pushing credulity. And yet… I’ll write it and edit it out later if I change my mind.

I have mixed feelings about this fifth scene I just finished, as I do with the whole chapter so far. It isn’t terrible, but it’s missing something. Missing momentum maybe. Loss of direction maybe. It almost seems unnecessary to the plot. It’s developing character and tying up loose ends, and planting seeds for the future, but the story seems to stagnate in The Wounded as a whole. I suppose this should be no surprise since this entire chapter is the first one where I completely abandon my original scene outline and am more or less winging it.

Originally, Chapter Seven was meant to be all about Alena helping Diallo make Mosai’s boma and solidifying their budding romance. But the making of the boma isn’t in this chapter at all anymore, except indirectly in the next scene when Alena helps Diallo gather the clay. And it only vaguely hints at their budding romance.

And yet, despite my misgivings, there’s nothing major I’d change about any of the scenes in The Wounded. Clean up the phrasing some more, of course. Polish it up and make it shine. But in essence, what I already have is exactly what I want. It’s an odd thing to have precisely what I want yet still feel like something is missing. Something that spans the entire chapter. Maybe it will occur to me later.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/19/2026

To be honest, I have no idea what I was talking about in terms of “something is missing” back then. Over all the years since I first wrote The Wounded (now restructured as Part Two – consisting of 24 chapters – of the second book, Tears of Stone), it continues to shine in my memory as the very heart of the entire series. It remains the thing I’m most proud of, in terms of being true to my authorial voice and the kind of writer I want to be.

It’s not about being technically perfect, or even creatively inspired, to be sure. It’s about being true to what I think of as the soul of my vision for the series. This may be all in my head, not in the writing itself, and that I’m the only one who will ever see it this way.

Such is the difficulty of being a father and not being able to judge one’s children objectively.

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54: The Weirdness

4/23/2013

Finished the third scene last night, with Alena dancing in the rain. Eight pages in three days. I feel kind of ambiguous about the results, which might be a bad sign. It seems to be okay, but it doesn’t carry even a fraction of the emotional impact, upon rereading it, that it did as I wrote it. This reminds me of Rockwell’s statement, that making art is like throwing a ball against a wall – it only comes back to you with half the power that you threw it. So, you better throw it hard. Or not, depending on the effect you’re looking for. And to be honest, I’m not even sure at this juncture how much power I want in this scene. Not every scene needs, or should have, a big emotional punch. The drama gets tiresome. I won’t know for sure whether the scene’s flavor is precisely right until I read the whole book again and read it in context. At which time, I can try to pump up or deflate each scene as needed. The whole is more important than the parts.

What I like about the scene are the unexpected details. Joyul was not even present in this scene until I went to write it. In fact, I got two or three pages into it, having described Alena dancing alone in the rain, when I decided I wanted Joyul dancing with her. Her presence made it easier to make it interesting. We already had a one-way dialogue in the last scene, and I didn’t want Alena talking at Diallo throughout the whole thing like Badru did. That’s boring and irritating to work with, so I brought in Joyul, who is a good foil for Alena.

Her presence made everything better there at the river. She also needs to be there so when Guma comes to beat-up Diallo it doesn't look like Alena was the one who told Guma about Diallo pushing her. One can assume that Joyul told Guma. Though, of course, she didn’t. Diallo himself told Guma, since Guma only exists in his head. Or else he’s a spirit who just knows everything. I’m careful to write it in such a way that Guma could be either one – a figment of Diallo’s subconscious, or an actual ghost.

The whole notion of Diallo thinking of himself as a fictional character was also a spur of the moment addition, though I’m not sure I like it in this context or how I handled it. I had that concept in my notes as a possible idea to play with, and I plugged it in when I felt I was at a spot that needed something like that, but I’m not sure if it works as it is.

Now that I’m done with this scene I can see I’m going to have to switch the scene sequence. Originally, the Guma scene was supposed to come next. But now I see that Bakar, Tamal, and Dougga’s scene must come next. As a reader of my own work, I find that Diallo’s head is not something I want to be inside of right now. His emotions and thoughts are too predictable and would be annoying to be intimate with, so I don’t want another scene right now from his POV.

In deciding the POV for the next scene it was between Bakar and Tamal, and I decided on Tamal because this is the perfect time and place to touch on some of his personal tragedies: mother dying in childbirth when he was six, one of his brothers dying from The Fever, the other accidentally killed by Tamal himself – which is part of Tamal’s drive for precision and perfectionism as an adult. And it’s important to hint at how Diallo is not necessarily special in the dramatic misfortunes of his life. He’s just one of The Wounded. His friends have their own tales too that the reader doesn’t get more than a glimpse of.

As far as Tamal’s clairvoyance is concerned, I hinted at it in Chapter Five: The Kulu, just after Diallo lost his father’s flute, but I’m not sure yet if I really want to go there. Giving even one of them a supernatural ability may be going too far with the weirdness. Some weirdness is good, but it’s a fine line. It’s something to think about. Does it enhance, or does it cheapen? Not sure. I’ll know before I start the next scene though.

It’s the same day… barely. Almost midnight and I just finished the fourth scene. An entire scene in one day. In one evening, in fact. But it was only 2 ½ pages long.

After working out the particulars of Tamal’s scene I realized the Guma scene had to go first, like it or not. But I managed to avoid the self-pity pitfalls I didn’t want to fall into, and I got a short little scene with some punch to it (pun intended). It’s brutal, and I already see some things to add and change, but it’s done for now.

The biggest defect is that it leaves Tuk looking like a bad doggy because he didn’t defend Diallo. But other than somehow removing Tuk from the scene entirely, I’m not sure what I can do about it. After all, Guma wasn’t really there

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Present-Day Reflection

7/18/2026

Yes, I not only kept the clairvoyance weirdness of Tamal in The Kulu chapter, butI took it to whole new level in Chapter 13: The Search For Bakar. When I went back to rewrite and flesh out all of Part One in Wings of Providence (so that all  four boys got equal treatment in grounding them early on) I planted the first seeds of Tamal’s gift in a very pronounced way. Though I didn’t stall the story in any way to provide explanations concerning it.

I’m embracing the weirdness.

I see it as being the same kind of weirdness you find in Star Trek, where they give the ship’s science officer quasi-psychic abilities. And Star Trek is supposed to be science-fiction, not fantasy. Spock is ostensibly the paragon of logic and rationality, not given to weirdness. Yet fans don’t even question the science of mind melds, or the lack of explanation for how he transferred what amounts to be his soul into McCoy, only to later have it transferred back into his newly regenerated body.

I certainly don’t go that far with weirdness in my stories, even though I’m the one who stipulates to indulging in fantasy to a certain degree.

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