79: Someday Is Today

2/26/2014

I did it. I finally did it. I got my new Kanar breakdowns completed – all 40 of them. I only need to find two icon designs, a mimosa plant and a jade crystal. But once those images are found it will take less than 15 minutes for them both of them together. Easy. Though I consider it now finished and won’t attempt any updates on it until I have a computer.

This Kanar breakdown project began right after I made my Kanar mandala, almost three years ago in the middle of 2011. Three years for only 40 pages, and I just did the last twelve glyphs in three days. One set of four per day is pretty good work. But it’s been one of those pain-in-the-ass projects I was beginning to think would never get done.

Well, now it’s done.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/12/2026

Someday isn’t synonymous with never for me. I’m careful to avoid using the two words interchangeably and will only use someday for those things I really want to do and feel it’s likely I will. The things I only vaguely wish about or put off because they’re too low on my priority list to consider seriously, I don’t lie to myself about my intentions.

If I really care, it gets done. And I try to be honest about it to avoid feeling bad about what falls through the cracks. There isn’t anything Batu related that I don’t care enough about to say someday for. Providing I live long enough, it will all get done.

My list of somedays for Batu material is fairly extensive, but here are a couple of the highlights I’m most looking forward to:

Doing a series of large-scale oil paintings depicting my favorite scenes from the entire series of the Batu Saga. Perhaps to be used to publish calendars, book covers, or insert illustrations, etc.

Going to central Africa to live and breathe the geography, flora, and fauna I’ve been trying to evoke in my work. As well as interacting with some of the modern-day traditional cultures that might most closely resemble what I’ve been writing about. The Maasai, the Hadza, or perhaps even the Khoisan ethnic groups of the Kalahari in Southern Africa.

Things like that.

Though, of course, I have my more immediate list of things to do as well – mostly dealing with the launching of this website as a platform for my books. Like setting up distribution accounts for print-on-demand with Amazon KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing) and IngramSpark.

For those two things, someday is today.

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78: Patience & Compassion

2/23/2014

Just finished the Making Friends fable today. Also wrote The Herald of Jukun three days ago, and The Gourd of Wisdom the day before that. I mailed them all out with my Dissolutions work to Uncle Paul tonight. I’m glad it’s all done and in the vault now.

Only, not quite yet.

The Making Friends fable for Chapter One: Alena turned out so well that it inspired me to go back and add more scenes to Chapter One. More scenes with Bakar, Tamal, Dougga, and maybe Alena. I’d like to show some antagonism between Diallo and the three boys to show how he didn’t have any real friends at that age. Guma’s appearance in Diallo’s life is meant to fill a void, which is reflected well in the Making Friends fable.

I came close to combining Chapter One: Alena with Chapter Two: Kumbella, and writing a whole new second chapter with Diallo chasing Alena, which would detail the whole Ghost Frog quest that results in him coming down with The Fever. All the things that I alluded to in Chapter Three: The Fever but left as a mystery. I seriously considered doing this because the first chapter is so weak it doesn’t really stand on its own the way the other chapters do.

But I decided not to because it would weaken the mystery of The Fever and would be an unwelcome burden for Kumbella to carry Alena when Kumbella does just fine on its own. Plus, coming up with a whole new chapter at this point would break my spirits, seeing how I believed I was almost done with the first half of the book.

Well, I’m still almost done. I just have to figure out what to do for the rest of Chapter One: Alena. And it has to be good in order to pick up the slack from the first half of the chapter.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/11/2026

It’s odd to find myself now growing impatient with my younger self. Rereading these journal entries where I’m still so far behind where I am now – structurally speaking – and refusing to make the necessary shifts in direction to get to where I should be. In this entry I finally sense what needs to be done, but I don’t have the will power to commit to it. But then compassion kicks in, and my impatience dissolves as I forgive the younger version of me. He’s doing the best he can and will find his way in his own time.

Patience and Compassion are two muscles I find myself needing to exercise more and more in my life these days. Not just for me and my Batu work, but for strangers on the street and for the other people I’ve chosen to share my life with. Nobody lives up to my standards. Not me, not anybody. Especially, not anybody.

Watching people defecate in the street with no shame – the homeless who seem to have given up on life that I interact with every day as part of my day job. And even my friends and coworkers who don’t seem to care about anything or anybody but themselves. It’s all so demoralizing and frustrating. I lose my patience, get angry, and start becoming judgmental, wondering why it seems like I’m the only one who’s trying anymore.

Then it occurs to me that others may be wondering the same about me. That what I’m seeing when I look out onto the world is the end result of something beyond the people I’m judging. That they too may be doing the best they can, dealing with issues I have no inkling of. Things way worse than anything I’ve ever had to face. Just the possibility that this might be true is enough to give me pause and restore some of my patience and compassion. Not everybody is strong enough to carry the burdens of their life choices, let alone the things they didn’t choose that are forced upon them. I haven’t always been strong enough either. And I too have been judged for my weakness. Which has only made it easier for me to judge.

The problem isn’t in recognizing weakness and fault, it’s in blaming and becoming resentful because of it. The problem is the il will and anger that comes from it. Whether it’s directed at others or at myself. I work hard. I try hard to do well. I care, and I sacrifice a lot in order to get what truly matters to me. And all of this effort I put into living comes at the cost of feeling entitled to judge those who appear not to be trying at all. Especially after I’ve been judged harshly so many times.

This is when it matters most for me to overcome my emotional impulses – when I feel I have all the justifications in the world to judge and feel negatively about the way things are. If I can’t rise above the easy choice of giving up and letting my emotions dictate my perspectives, then how can I expect anyone else to?

Expectations have always been my emotional downfall.

So, looking back at the younger version of myself in this journal entry from 2014, I choose to exercise some compassion and patience for what he may be going through – whatever it is that may be blocking him from doing what needs to be done. Because, in truth, it was long enough ago that I no longer remember what all the burdens were that he was carrying. And it’s the awareness that I don’t really know what it is that I’m judging that allows me to stop doing it.

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77: Scaling for Time & Energy

2/18/2014

Just got done transcribing Dissolutions. 32,752 words, and 107 pages over a six-day period. My reward is the carpal tunnel that’s growing nicely at the same rate as my book. I’m just glad it’s done. Three more fables and the first half will be complete.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/10/2026

I never have had a good sense of how things really stand with my own work in terms of scale and structure. What I thought of 13 years ago as half of one book is now two complete books. Though I had yet to go back and rewrite them both, where what was then only Part One was to expand by hundreds of pages as I fleshed it all out. Especially the Ghost Frog chapters, which were still left as entirely unwritten backstory at that point.

Even today, though I keep referring to the Batu Saga as a four-book epic, I actually have a detailed scene outline for 16 books. I’ve yet to decide how much of that I want to include in the remaining two books of my 4-book plan, however. The 16-book outline was condensed and reimagined when I transformed what I was calling scenes into chapters, and I realized how long it was taking to write these books.

Though I don’t mind working on the series for the remainder of my life, and I’m in no particular hurry to finish them (getting it done right always taking priority over speed), at my current rate of production the estimated remainder of my life wouldn’t be enough to get 14 more books done. Not while my economic status keeps me working a day job that consumes more than half my waking hours and 90% of my energy. That’s time and energy spent on paying the bills instead of on what matters most to me – my writing.

Four books are much more realistic within the timeframe of the rest of my life. However, if my first book takes off after I begin to market it, and my economic status allows me to retire and become a full-time writer again – as I was 13 years ago – who knows what I might be able to accomplish?

As it is though, my four-book forecast is based entirely on the life situation and schedule I have to work with right now.

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76: The Author’s Edition

2/17/2014

I’m working hard now on getting my edited roughs of Dissolutions transcribed into a legible format. My Author’s Edition. Writing longhand like this, I only average 17 words per minute (yes, I timed it), and it’s taking a toll on my poor writing hand. Carpal tunnel syndrome is coming along just fine though.

I got 24,000 words transcribed since I started which is about six hours straight a day for four days. Of course, it really took a lot longer with formatting the headers and margins on each page and pausing to work the kinks out of the wrist of my writing hand. Plus, I do a word count of each scene as I finish them, taking 20-30 minutes each.

I also took a couple days to transcribe four fables into my Author’s Edition before starting on Dissolutions. When I’m done transcribing chapter eight, I still have to create and transcribe three more fables for chapters one, two, and four before I can truly say the first half of my book is done.

When I went back through scene ten, where Diallo approaches L’Norien, I became frustratingly aware that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve got a good deal of flora and fauna details, but they are all encyclopedic. Dry and inert. I don’t believe the narrator (me) has really been there and knows what these birds, plants, and terrain are really like. I need to infuse them with evocative details that could only be known by someone who has been there.

That’s what these world building scenes need – things nobody could accurately imagine or make up without first-hand experience. Otherwise, it’s just a travel brochure. I got the names of things, their colors, etc., but not their essence. I want LIFE, not shadow imitations. Which means… Lots of work to do.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/9/2026

My Author’s Edition, in the version as it stood back then, was merely my official first draft. Today, my Author’s Edition is the version that I like best, distinct from what editors and A.I. suggest the books should be.

I haven’t had any trouble with carpal tunnel in a long time. Probably not since 2024, the last time I had long bouts of writing longhand. I call it Carpal tunnel, but that’s not really what it was. It was more likely just me straining the tendons in my wrist. I never experienced numbness or tingling, only soreness pains. And my thumb and fingers were never effected by it, just my wrist.

Carpal tunnel sounds better though than mere straining. It’s something I never came close to ever experiencing from typing. I can type all day long with no problem.

Life is better these days, there can be no doubt. Still lots of work to do though.

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75: Writing From the Heart

2/11/2014

Well, I did it. Chapter Eight: Dissolutions is finally done. All 83 pages worth. The last scene was much easier and better than the one before it, just as I thought it would be. Only three pages but written ten times better. It seems that I do best when there aren’t a lot of preconceived elements to orchestrate, and when I can go slow and play with the mood/tone and the language. I really like how this ended. The details and the wording worked out much better than I’d planned. The knife was a last-minute idea – the notion that this story could have gone in a darker direction with murder. But that’s not the story I mean to tell. Not yet anyway. We will meet Kinjul again in Part Four where his fate unravels, but not now.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/8/2026

I envy literary writers who can get away with writing purely from the heart, seemingly winging it without the burdens of plot or storytelling. Michael Ondaatje’s The English Patient comes to mind. Not because it has no plot or because it doesn’t tell a story, because it most definitely does. All the novels I love do. It’s more because I can never really recall what the plot or story is, except vaguely, even though I keep reading the book over and over again. I read it over and over again because of Ondaatje’s use of language. It’s probably the most beautifully written book I’ve ever read.

She unskins the plum with her teeth, withdraws the stone and passes the flesh of the fruit into his mouth.

He whispers again, dragging the listening heart of the young nurse beside him to wherever his mind is, into that well of memory he kept plunging into during those months before he died.

The story and plot are pointless to me though. It’s the poetry and sensory evocation of time and place. Quiet intimacies, and subtle nuances of awareness for how things are when someone is truly paying attention to life. Ian McEwan is another one, who described it in Atonement as that vital knowingness about the ways of the world which compels a reader’s respect.

…a squirrel’s skull as light as a leaf – shows a nicety of awareness. As does the follow up – But hidden drawers, lockable diaries and cryptographic systems could not conceal from Briony the simple truth: she had no secrets… Nothing in her life was sufficiently interesting or shameful to merit hiding; no one knew about the squirrel’s skull beneath her bed, but no one wanted to know.

McEwan isn’t the poet that Ondaatje is, but for me he is by far the better writer because he’s the perfect blend of diction and story. McEwan’s plots and stories are very memorable because they’re not there just to show off his pros, his pros is there in the service of the story. And for me, story has to come first.

Frank Herbert’s Dune and Richard Adams’ Watership Down are books I try to emulate because of the blend of diction and story. And though their use of language never rises to the level of McEwan’s, I like their stories better than his. For me, the perfect book would blend the imagination and world building of Herbert and Adams with Ondaatje’s poetry and McEwan’s vital knowingness about the ways of the world that compels respect.

This is my goal in writing the Batu Saga, even though it’s an ideal I know I’ll never achieve. I brush up against it every now and then in the scenes like I just mentioned in the entry from 2/11/2014, and once in The Wounded, as well as a few other places. But I’m afraid my writing from the heart has, more times than not, taken a back seat to plot and storytelling. And the Ondaatje-type poetry is virtually non-existent.

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74: Time Enough for Love

2/10/2014

Well, the twelfth scene is finished now, and I’m disappointed with it. It’s Diallo’s wedding challenge with Kinjul, 13 ½ pages that took me five days of writing all day long. Yet when I went back to reread it all in one sitting the pacing was way off – the drama was static, and even the dialogue was blah. It felt really good as I wrote it, and I was proud of several inventions and surprising twists. Yet they all fell flat on the reread. What I’ve got on paper is but a vague shadow of what was playing out in my mind and heart as I wrote it. I even brought myself to tears as I wrote the climax. Yet, on the reread… nothing.

I’m hoping that this is an illusion, created by the contrast of having just spent days living and breathing every nuance hour after hour, from the time I woke until I had to go to sleep again – then having it read in its entirety in about twenty minutes. The contrast between the length of creation and the length of reading may be offsetting my perspective.

The irony here, however, is that I wanted this scene to be only seven or eight pages because of the already excessive size of Dissolutions. And though it ended up being almost twice as long as I planned, it still feels like it went too fast.

My next, and last scene for Dissolutions, will be a brief one that I believe will turn out much better. I’d like to get it done today as a birthday present for myself. Finishing this chapter will make me officially halfway through the first book. That feels nice.

But it’s still frustrating. Why can’t I capture in words what’s in my head?

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Present-Day Reflection

8/7/2026

Because there’s more in my head than just pictures and words. There’s a whole world of sensory detail, emotions, and context that can never be fully translated. Add to that, the fact that every reader brings to it their own unique world of psychological and emotional context to the scant sensory detail I provide – it’s a fool’s errand to try and control how it will translate for a reader.

Even when the reader is me, because my context changes in subtle ways from moment to moment. The greater the distance in time from the moment of creation, the greater the gap in context. Which is why I need time in order to properly evaluate what I’ve done. Time enough to create, time enough to judge what I’ve created, and time enough to fix it.

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73: A Sense of Purpose

2/9/2014

In many ways writing your first novel is like falling in love for the first time. You’ve finally found something greater than yourself. Something more important than yourself that you can give 100% of yourself to without worrying about what you get in return. It becomes a thing that defines you as a person, bringing a sense of purpose and direction. But what I find most amusing is that, like falling in love, you have the overwhelming conviction that nobody has ever felt as deeply about it as you do. Nobody has ever given so much or has been so empowered and transformed by the experience as you have. Nobody has ever suffered so much, sacrificed so much, risked so much, or loved so much.

This delusion is no doubt useful. Because without this irrational sense of being special we probably wouldn’t even bother. Who could possibly be inspired by the realization that all their toil, and all their passion, will only amount in the end to one more drop in the ocean?

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Present-Day Reflection

8/6/2026

I’m always in love. Either falling or basking in it. Ever since Alison, in the second grade, I’ve always had somebody to be in love with. Like a monkey swinging through the trees of life, I rarely let go of one branch until I have a firm grip on the next.

Romantic love, and finding my soul mate, has been my religion. My drug of choice. There’s always been a special someone who makes my stomach flutter when I see them. Someone to put all my hopes and dreams onto. And it’s always one-sided, of the unrequited variety. Even with those few I somehow managed to lure into a relationship, it’s always extremely unbalanced with me in the weaker position.

The faces keep changing, but they’re all the same. The love with a thousand names, but only one shape. Alison, Julie, Penny, Melonie, Toni, Andrea, Tracy, Mary, Gale, Jennifer, Edith, Kim... The list goes on and on. Indeed, there’s been so many I often forget some of their names. It’s been a long life, after all, and I’m getting old.

Georgette is but the latest in a long line of loves, though at my age she’ll probably be the last. It’s been a little over a year now – love at first sight, and beyond all utility or hope of going anywhere. She knows how I feel, or at least she’s been told and shown. Not sure if she’ll ever really know. Have any of them? And, as with so many before her, it’s become a game of cat and mouse where I’m merely something to toy with when there’s nothing better to do. Always kept at arms’ length and never shown any real interest beyond mild amusement.

It’s okay. At this point I wouldn’t know what to do with her if she reciprocated. I’d probably run away or do something to change how she felt. Never having had more than what I currently have, it’s what I’m used to. In truth, I don’t really need more than what I’ve got. All I need is something to love.

My writing gives me this, filling the gaps that people forever fail to fill.

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72: Progress Over Perfection

2/5/2014

I got Thiola’s introductory scene finished today. I think it turned out okay. In honor of Edith (upon whom Thiola is based), I wrote this one the way the books on writing fiction say it should be done – quick and free of all the anal editing on the first draft. I didn’t stop to try and perfect each sentence as I went. I wrote as fast as I could with a minimum of touching up as I went, not proofreading or reworking until the whole scene was done. It was only four pages, so it wasn’t too hard. Rewrote it then only once before editing the rewrite.

I want to try and do this with more of my writing from now on. My alla prima habit of writing is probably my largest obstacle to overcome. The anal perfectionism on the first draft is fucking up my pacing, my creativity, and the whole tone I’m trying to achieve. Wanting it all at once instead of layering is self-defeating.

I keep telling myself that my writing has improved over the past few years because I was able to set my ego aside and just do what the experts tell me to do rather than think my natural intuition’s the best guide. And yet, on this one rather important issue, I have continued to stubbornly cling to my anal habits by not trusting the method every book on writing fiction has recommended.

It’s time to put my ego aside for real, instead of just saying I do, and follow the advice of my betters. Because the way I’ve been doing it has been a royal pain in the ass, and the quality has also been inconsistent, to say the least. Even at my best, I could do a lot better.

Edith was the opposite of the anal perfectionist. She was a free and wild spirit, full of life and creative energy. I miss her and should probably let Edith (or Thiola) be my muse from now on.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/5/2026

Speed has never been my gift, whether in drawing and painting or in creative writing. Both have been exercises in patience and perseverance. I’ve been told I’m fast because I get to an end result faster than others trying to do the same thing, but that’s an illusion. I get done sooner, not faster. The sooner is achieved from staying on task and not stopping until it’s done, rather than from a quick pace.

It’s the story of the tortoise and the hare, where slow and steady wins the race over the quick but inconsistent.

This is not always the case with me, obviously. I lay things aside all the time for months, or even years. I’m just saying that when I do appear fast, it’s an illusion. Nobody watching me work from start to finish would ever call me fast. Merely diligent.

This is connected to my perfectionism, where I’m often unable to rest until I get it right. But then I came upon the question, “Would you rather be right, or effective?” This was in the context of communication skills and interpersonal effectiveness. But it works with a lot of things. Would I rather be perfect, or successful? Do I want to actually finish something great, or am I just trying to stubbornly prove something?

Within the context of drawing and painting I’ve long since learned how to tell when a piece is finished. If I’m the only one who’ll ever notice or care about the changes being made to it, it’s done. That rule should apply to writing as well.

It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to look like it is.

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71: It’s As Hard As I Make It

2/3/2014

I’m having a hard time finishing Dissolutions. At 62 pages so far, it is already the longest chapter yet. And I still have two or three scenes left. I just finished number ten yesterday, where Diallo and Guma arrive at L’Norien in pursuit of Alena. But now I have to figure out how to get Diallo to Kinjul for their fight, and how to get Diallo then to Alena. And of course, what do I do with Guma?

I can see in my mind Diallo climbing the ridge to the men’s fire circle where he faces off with Kinjul. I can see the view of the lake and the village below. I can see him wrestling with Kinjul and how Bakar, Tamal, and Dougga will come in and cause chaos. I can see Diallo in the tree outside Alena and Kinjul’s hut when Kinjul returns. And I can see Diallo walking away at the end. But what leads Diallo to the men’s fire? How does he know to go there, and why go there instead of straight to Alena? How does Diallo know where Alena’s hut is? Is Thiola in this? And if so, does she direct Diallo’s movements? How? And what do I do with Guma?

I’ve been thinking about these problems, or ignoring them, for over a month now. I took my time on scene ten because I knew I still had no clear idea how to fit all the elements together so they work in a way that makes perfect sense. I also want to wrap it all up as concisely as possible because this chapter is already too long, and yet I don’t want to sacrifice now that I’m at the climax.

Frustrating.

I just realized I haven’t written in this journal since the fifth scene with Tuk. So, a quick summary: Scene six was good with the Siona POV. It had an interesting tension between her and Diallo without revisiting the same exact emotions they had in their Twa Yal-Jukun confrontation. Then came a short and sweet scene between Diallo and Joyul that felt good to me. The eighth scene bored me though. Nothing interesting happened, and the passing beneath the log bridge was the only image I liked. The ninth scene was better – humor, drama, some fleshing out of cultural details, songs, etc. And I liked the suspense of finding the pirogue wreckage. Still needs some polishing, but everything in this scene works for me.

The Tenth scene was a pain in the ass. Trying to fit in a flashback to explain Hugoko and the bachwezi encounter, and then having to figure out and describe the shifting terrain, the flora, fauna, and geology of the river delta. Describing all these little details without coming off as a boring tour guide was a real pain in the ass. Not much fun. I loved the imagery of the rapids beneath the village, however, and the slate slabs of the stairway leading up to the village.

Aside from the necessity of explaining the Hugoko attack though, this scene almost seems irrelevant. But I wanted the L’Norien village and its environs painted well. Most of the book thus far has been confined to Ephrathah, and I wanted this scene to blossom visually in order to expand their world.

Its reading is clunky, however, and in need of a lot of polishing.

There are times when I feel that my writing is finally starting to show some improvement and my voice is beginning to tune in, yet when I go back to reread it, I’m still disappointed. Especially with all the drafts it took, and the labor I put into it, working all day long just to produce two or three pages. Then to have it suck…

Frustrating.

But so long as I do my best and get the meat of what I want down on paper, I got to move on and rely on future rewrites to bring it all up to par. I think I’m hoping I’ll be a much better writer by the time I come back to do my final drafts. Do the hard part now, working out all the mechanics, then polish it when I have more objectivity and skill.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/4/2026

Still hoping but no longer waiting. The die has been cast, and for better or worse, the writing I’m publishing now is as good as it forever will be. Whatever hope I have left is for new work, as yet unwritten.

If I’m at all better now than I was thirteen years ago, it’s probably only from having more confidence and being able to trust my instincts so I can relax into my writing. Not so self-conscious and critical every step of the way.

It’s the same thing with drawing and painting, where it feels like I purposely made it hard when I was young in order to struggle with it for years. Only after I paid my dues did I allow myself to be good. If I’d only had more confidence from the start, Perhaps I could have been just as good at the beginning as I am now. Maybe confidence is the true basis for talent, and that if you truly believe it will take years to be good at something, you’re sure to be right.

Like life in general.

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70: Distorting Points of View

12/19/2013

Well, I’m going to be blowing my deadline. There’s no possible way Dissolutions will be done by New Year. But I finally finished the fifth scene tonight (Tuk’s scene), and I’m happy about that. Happy that it’s done, but not so sure if I’m happy how it turned out. Have to give it some space and reread it fresh in a couple days.

I made a last minute change with this scene by writing it from Tuk’s POV, the first one I’ve written for him, and I’m not sure if I got it right or not. But the unusual perspective is at least nice. I’m also happy with the impromptu imagery of the boy’s secret den that I came up with, complete with a drawbridge. I like it when Ephrathah expands and gets more fleshed out like this. World building.

I’m concerned that the emotional impact in this scene might be weak, which could be because I used Tuk for the POV. I made a couple on the fly changes to the plotting structure that now forces me to go back and edit past scenes for the sake of consistency – e.g. Diallo will now be waiting for four days for Alena to come to him in their love nest, which is why the whole village knew about Alena’s marriage before him. Tamal, Dougga, and Bakar were looking for him for those four days. Tuk should probably be more protective in scene four when Kinjul becomes threatening.

Now, for the next scene – I hadn’t originally envisioned Tuk being present for the Siona confrontation. This forces me to alter the physical threat of Siona somewhat. Might be interesting though.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/3/2026

My memory of writing what is now called Chapter 47: Tuk’s View is quite different from what is expressed in this 12/19/2013 entry. I remember having done quite a bit of research about dogs, their behaviors, and their sensory capabilities. Also, reading other works of fiction written from a dog’s perspective. I don’t remember Tuk’s POV being a spontaneous decision at all. Though maybe all my research came after the impromptu first draft.

I also remember having loved the quality of the writing for this chapter enough to have gone back and reread it several times just for the shear pleasure of the reading. I don’t recall at all the initial doubts and concerns being conveyed in my Author’s Journal.

Such is the malleability of memory and the distortions of time. It’s a pattern with me I’ve long suspected – the possibility that I view the past as something better than it actually was. If this is true, it’s a failing I appreciate since it allows me to be happier with my life in general than perhaps I have a right to be.

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69: Forward Momentum

12/4/2013

Finished the bride-price scene yesterday. Introduced Kinjul and told the animal bride myth. It all feels okay, but not really special. It lacks grace and atmosphere. It’s conveying information and setting things up for the future, but it doesn’t make me want to live there. Maybe I’ll nail it on the rewrite. I’m content for now though, just having it done so I can move on. My deadline for Dissolutions is New Years.

Four scenes down and about six to go.

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Present-Day Reflection

8/2/2026

Sometimes, just maintaining some forward momentum is the best I can do. Like today. I’m having a hard time just getting out of bed and making it to my first cup of coffee. I’m not getting any of the real work done I want and need to do to launch my first book. But… I’m out of bed and writing here. Have an hour and a half to eat breakfast, shower, get dressed, and get out the door to catch the train to work. Not time to format the PDF and EPUB files for Wings of Providence like I’d like to do. I’m usually too tired to work on it when I get home from work, putting it off to the weekend

At least I’m staying up to date with these Author’s Journals. My deadline for my book launch is the end of this month. I’m content for now though, just looking forward to moving on. Sometimes, just maintaining some forward momentum is the best I can do.

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68: The Unraveling Tapestry

11/13/2013

Finished the third scene for Dissolutions two days ago. It’s the love scene between Diallo and Alena, and where Diallo shows her their yaras inscribed in the tree. It took all day to write the first two pages, then three more pages the next day. Then I took a few days off and finished the last five pages in one long day of constant work.

I think it turned out okay. Putting them up in Diallo’s secret love nest helped. The language was slow and labored, though as usual the dialogue came easy. I got my notes gathered for the next scene and am ready to go. Got to cram a bunch into this next one. Diallo, Joyul, and Kanunga scraping Kinjul’s bride-price hide; Joyul’s telling of the animal-bride myth; the warning that Pardos is in the area so they’re restricted to the village; Kembara is there playing with and eating the scrapings from the hide; Kinjul appears and belittles Diallo; Tamal–Dougga–Bakar make a raid on the smoked meat hanging there in the hub, etc.

The hard part will be how to manage Joyul, because she knows Alena is leaving and Diallo doesn’t. Kanunga’s unaware of Diallo’s relationship with Alena, so he’s oblivious to Diallo’s interests. I might have Joyul suggest to Diallo that he should go talk to Alena, quickly – but he doesn’t get a chance because the boys’ raid interrupts everything.

I’m not sure. It’s a tricky situation of juggling who knows what while not revealing what they know, yet keeping the conversation natural and unrestricted. I’ll figure it out.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/31/2026

Today, Dissolutions consists of 14 chapters spanning 98 pages. It speaks to the loss of oneself in a relationship, then losing that relationship. It’s about the transition from stability and security into fractured and separate components.

There’s a core thread woven throughout this unraveling that holds it all together, however – the idea that when things fall apart, structure always gives way to both emptiness and freedom in equal measure. It’s never just about endings, but also about new beginnings.

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67: Earning My Quiet Moments

10/24/2013

Got the first scene of Dissolutions done. So, now the first two are completed. It took me six weeks to get to it, but when I finally got my mojo back two days ago, I was able to knock-out the 6 ½ pages of the first scene.

It turned out okay. Has some nice symmetrical symbolism that will only be apparent for those rereading the entire series. It’s got some Siona background, a little bit of humor, a few surprises that were nice. Yet it doesn’t have me terribly excited either. That’s okay though. Good is good enough. I probably need to have peaks and valleys so it’s not exhausting to read. So long as the writing is good and the story is progressing, and the characters are evolving. It doesn’t have to be a mind-blowing star-spangled extravaganza in every scene.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/31/2026

Indeed. Looking back over my Batu saga in its entirety, almost all of my favorite pieces are the quiet ones. It’s the depth of still waters, and their subtle emotional undercurrents, that catches me off guard to carry me away.

It should be remembered, however, that these quiet moments only work because of the noise and clamor of the more intense pieces surrounding them. The peaks and valleys I referred to thirteen years ago. This is the fundamental difference between drama and melodrama for me – where the former is earned and the latter is not. Good writing earns the emotional core it’s striving to evoke. It earns its place from a well developed context.

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66: Fear of Failure & Happy Accidents

9/12/2013

I accidentally finished my first scene for Dissolutions three days ago. By being so intimidated by the creative work in front of me, I spent such an excessive amount of time establishing a good scene outline that the outline became the actual scene.

This is scene two I’m referring to, not the first one. I have yet to write scene one, but its outline is already excessively worked out as well. It amuses me how this happened though with scene two. It’s only two pages long, but I just had to add one sentence and change a few words, and it was done.

This illustrates for me how stupidly frightened I am of facing the actual writing of my book that it has come to the point where it only gets written by accident.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/30/2026

I was five or six years old when I fell in love for the first time in kindergarten. Her name was Alison, the little red-haired girl that every boy in school was in love with. In the 2nd grade, when I was eight, her best friend Joy told me at recess that Alison liked me. I chased Alison all over the playground yelling, “Is it true?” over and over again, finally pinning her down in the grass beneath a hundred-foot-tall Douglas Fir. I had no idea what to do next when the whistle blew for the end of recess.

This anecdote is one of the few intentionally biographical details that is translated into my work, written into the beginning chapters of Book Two: Tears of Stone – what I was struggling to get just right in this journal entry from 13 years ago. Having been the chosen one by the prettiest girl in school as my first love spoiled me. Alison became the benchmark that every girl afterward had to live up to. I was romantically doomed from the start, the memory of first love having been so heavily rewritten and idealized over the ensuing years that no real person could ever live up to it. Especially not me.

I’ve done the same thing with painting and writing, where the idealization of perfection and the fear of failure to measure up has haunted me most of my life. This is why some of my best work, and some of my best relationships, have been the result of happy accidents. I’ve gotten over this to some degree as I’ve grown older – the fear of death and running out of time outweighing the fears of my youth.

And yet, having recently revisited with a sense of nostalgia my childhood playground, I was glad to see that not much has changed. The tree is still there, as is the school and its playground field. Sitting there beneath our tree, with 46 years separating me from the ghost of the little red-haired girl, I was astonished at how little had changed.

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65: Structural Decisions

9/3/2013

I began collating Chapter Eight: Dissolutions a few days ago. Of course, I already had my outline, and a good idea of the changes to the outline, but as I systematically went through all my notes (always a major undertaking) Chapter Eight grew beyond what I ever imagined it would. My compiled notes for it alone are 28 pages. I won’t use everything in my notes… probably. But still, this could be a long chapter if I don’t plan it out economically.

I’ve got three major geographical phases, going from Ephrathah to the Dula, then to L’Norien. This is the first time I’m going to L’Norien in the story, so a lot of my notes are concerned with that. But there are subtle and not so subtle plot developments that are emerging as well: Diallo’s betrayal of Alena’s confidence, which is why he thinks she abandoned him. Kinjul’s visit to Ephrathah to collect Alena, without Diallo knowing it. Diallo scraping the eland hide, which turns out to be Kinjul’s bride-price for Alena. Siona leaving Ephrathah with Alena for L’Norien. Guma and Diallo leaving for L’Norien alone, with Tamal-Bakar-and Dougga following on foot behind. Having Pardos sighted in the region so all women and children are confined to the village canopy for a few days, which all the boys violate.

These are the major changes, but there are many other fine-tuning details to work in as well. Lots of decisions to make and figuring out how it all fits together in the best way. It should be good though, spanning a wide range of emotional and geographical landscapes. Lots of good imagery, and lots of opportunities for character development.

Now I’ve got to write out a new scene outline for it. Then I have to write it.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/29/2026

Looking back, it’s hard to imagine how I could think of Dissolutions as a single chapter. It not only grew into being an entire quarter of the book – Part Four – but turned out to be the largest of the four parts. Or at least, it was when I finished it back then.

Book Two: Tears of Stone, still has a lot of editing to do. Several chapters have yet to be written and inserted to flesh things out. And even the basic structure is not set in Stone yet. I’m still considering the possibility of incorporating The Shadow Falls – which is already finished – as Part Four in that book, instead of Part One in the third book. If I do, then Part Two: Lost In the Darkness, and Part Two: The Wounded would be incorporated into one part (The Wounded). In which case there’d be Part One: The Kulu, Part Two: The Wounded, Part Three: Dissolutions, Part Four: The Shadow Falls.

This is still under consideration. I have to think about the story arc and how this effects the plot and theme structure for both Book Two and Book Three. It shouldn’t be possible to simply rearrange major elements of the structure in this way. If it is possible, then it speaks to an inconsistent – or nonexistent – premise for the entire book. Which is bad.

Why am I always struggling with premise issues?

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64: The Napatawalata Posters

8/26/2013

I finished The Song of Mugasha poster’s centerpiece illustration. The entire thing only took me seven days. Much better than the eight months it took me to do the interior of The Song of Alodia poster.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/28/2026

The posters haven’t been worked on one bit since that entry thirteen years ago. They’re hanging on the wall in my entryway hall in the exact state as they were back then, though now they’re glued and mounted to matte boards and framed. One day, after all four of The Napatawalata posters are drawn like these two were, I will use them as references for four large scale oil paintings. But for now, they will remain as is.

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63: Burned-Out

8/19/2013

I guess I should give some accounting here for the last month and a half. Though I can’t honestly say what happened to July. I’ve completed sixteen new pages in my Batu Sketchbook, now totaling 31 pages. I’m in the process of adding Ardra, the spider. I’ve started my Song of Mugasha drawing on the four pieces of paper that make up the poster. Just the outline sketch right now, and at this point it’s only missing Tapu’s gazelle love interest in the background and some refinements to the mountain.

I’ve done no Batu writing since June 7th. Now that I think about it, July was focused on the Kanar glyph descriptions. I finished with 28 of the 40 when I burned out and shifted gears to illustration. I think I may shift my gears back to finishing that up. I’m happy with my Kanar work and the latest illustrations, including finishing the iconic drawings of the ten humanoid manifestations of the Vodun. But I won’t be completely satisfied until I get back to the actual writing of Chapter Eight: Dissolutions.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/27/2026

I deal with burn-out almost on a daily basis. Though I’m usually pretty good at suppressing it and pushing forward. I manage it for the most part with sleep, caffeine, and isolation, with an occasional indulgence of wasting time doing something fun or pointless.

The thing is though, I’ve already spent decades indulging in doing fun things that are pointless, and I’ve had my fill. I don’t really care about happiness or fun the way I used to. These days I’m only happy or having fun when I’m alone and working on my Batu in some way. And often as not, not even then. But I’m miserable if I don’t, so it amounts to the same thing - happy about not being miserable.

My life, as I knew it, is over. All that’s left for me is my work. This is a choice I’ve made, where people and the external world are meaning less and less to me. I still engage with it because I have to in order to pay the bills and survive, but for the most part – when it comes to life outside my bubble – I’m most definitely burned-out.

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62: Slowing, but Not Stopping

6/30/2013

I just finished yet another revised Kanar table, totally based on Swahili now, as well as a lengthy addition of words to flesh out my Kanar Lexicon. I’m starting to formulate the fundamentals of Kanar grammar, but I’m keeping it very simple. Tomorrow I’ll start rewriting the Kanar breakdowns, my goal being to have them completely finished by the end of July, and well into Chapter Eight: Dissolutions as well.

As for The Napatawalata, I got the basic story outline for The Song of Mugasha done, and the first 3 ½ pages written, as well as the sketch for the poster that will go with it. So, I have a good feel for what The Song of Mugasha fable will be like and its imagery. I’m pretty excited about it and will continue working on it as I need breaks from working on the breakdowns and Chapter Eight.

It’s hard to believe that this is all I’ve got done for the whole month of June, especially since there wasn’t one day I didn’t work on something Batu related, and Many days were all-day workdays trying to get stuff done.

Nonetheless, I’m content with how Kanar is shaping up and The Song of Mugasha fable. The poster sketch for that looks good, too, and if done well, may even turn out better than my Song of Alodia poster. We’ll see.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/26/2026

Most of the time I push to get things done, but sometimes – like the last couple weeks for me recently – I just let it go and take my time. I get tired of pushing and just take it easy for a bit, only doing what feels right in the moment. Which isn’t much.

As with this entry from June 30th 13 years ago, I still do something Batu related every day, but not central to my mission.

This is my version of taking a break. Not moving the needle much but still doing something. It’s my way of managing burn-out. Slow down to a crawl for a minute before picking myself back up to start running again.

It’s important not to judge myself and to allow this from time to time, trusting that I’ll get back into the game when I’m ready.

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61: Shelving Tapu

6/7/2013

I started The Song of Mugasha fable, as the first part of The Napatawalata. I’ve been struggling for a couple days on how to reconcile the prophecy of Mugasha with a Tapu story, but without success. So, I decided to just start the Tapu story with his birth, letting it parallel Diallo’s, and hope that an opportunity will present itself to tie it in with the prophecy. Because without doing that the title won’t make sense and it won’t fit as a companion to the first book in my series. I have the vague notion that Tapu will be on a quest in search of Mugasha, but I haven’t got any particulars figured out yet.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/25/2026

Thirteen years later and I’m still only 9 pages into writing The Song of Mugasha. It just hasn’t been a priority. And I don’t see that changing until after I get Wings of Providence launched and I achieve enough success with that to retire from my day job. I just don’t have the time and energy right now to focus on the creative writing aspects of my main narrative, or any of its related projects like The Napatawalata.

Time is the ultimate governor. Time and energy, but mostly time. Right now, all my free time is going toward building and launching this website. After that it will be spent marketing and editing the narrative for the second book, not on furthering the creation of any new work. That is going to wait until I’m retired, when writing has become my sole occupation.

The original plan was for that to happen by the end of this year. I knew even as I formulated that plan that I was being overly optimistic, but erring on the side of optimism has always been an intentional tactic.

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60: Decisions

6/6/2013

Finished the final transcription of The Wounded two days ago. Now I’m debating what to do next – continue on to Chapter Eight: Dissolutions, start The Song of Mugashafable with Tapu, or return to my Kanar breakdowns.

Decisions, decisions.

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Present-Day Reflection

7/24/2026

All I am are the decisions that I make. Nothing has changed in this regard.

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